December 18, 2013

  • Another lonely night..

    back1

    wishing I had someone to hold me, love me, and cuddle me to sleep..
    so I can rest my head on his chest
    feel his gentle heart beat in my ear
    feel his chest rise and fall with each breath
    smell the scent of his cologne
    his fingers wrapped up in my hair
    running his hand down my side
    resting it on my hip..
    kissing my forehead
    letting me know
    I'm protected
    secure
    and in sweet serenity
    as nothing else
    exists in those moments..

    *sigh*
    G'night Xanga-land.. I can't wait until you get done updating! I'm missing my freedom of expression - design expressions.
    Is anyone even out there? Seems everyone has left :( Who is going to comment now that everyone's left.. I feel alone.. *pout*

December 17, 2013

  • The Lover's Dance

    alayingdown

    As the sun begins to fade
    the bonfire lit, the drinks chilled
    ‘tis been my dream, my wish
    beneath the shining stars to dance
    indeed I have been lulled
    by your sweet advance
    softly, my heart pounding fast
    trembling a bit, ‘tis my first dance
    when my eyes met yours
    I felt like a goddess, a beauty queen
    my hips begin to gently sway like
    autumn leaves upon the wind
    you see the sweat upon my skin
    shimmering like diamonds in the fires glow
    kindled desire I express in dance
    your eyes move to my soft round breasts
    your glance wanders down
    watching my hips as they circle
    in slow rhythmic spirals
    as if lulled into a trance
    my tongue meets softly
    between my painted red lips
    I close my eyes while I dance
    thinking of loves gentle penetration
    of you beneath me under the moons soft glow
    lulled by my beauty dance
    mesmerizing are your eyes as they watch me
    loving the hunger seen in your face
    as I turn you see my hair spilled down
    like a horses main it gently flows
    in the gentle wind
    my curves so vibrant and alive
    you wish to caress them
    like a flowers petals soft and delicate
    you wish to taste my sweet nectar
    caught in a lovers trance
    you look divine as you advance near
    our eyes meet our desires transcend
    all time and all languages
    gently you reach
    for my soft porcelain white hand
    leaning forward to place
    a gentle but full loving kiss
    you watch my lips as I softly whisper
    oh sweet love, I await the chance
    to climb upon you and do the lovers dance..

    .. and boy would I rather be doing that tonight ..
    (C)121713

December 16, 2013

  • Reflections and more

    Reflections

    When despair grows in me
    I cry at the simplest things

    I awake in the night
    to the sounds of crying..
    reaching to hold my head
    in the palms of my hands,
    I realize it is my tears... and my voice I heard

    I fear what has become of me
    that old woman I see in the mirror
    I feel the emptiness consume me

    In my dreams

    I lay down
    in natures bed of grass
    beneath the willow tree

    where the white swans rest
    in the calm cool waters
    where the birds come to sing

    I come into peace with these animals
    they do not fixate their lives
    with aforethought of grief.

    Nor of things past, of what grief may lay ahead...
    I come into the presence of love and warmth
    from the sun whose rays illuminate
    the dew drops that surround me..

    Just for this moment,
    I rest in the grace of the world
    the beauty I have seen
    the love I have
    the ones who've
    touched my life for always

    I am thankful

    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    deep in thought

    A rainy night

    Raindrops dancing upon my pale skin
    in the light of the moon
    tickling as it glides

    I feel so lonely, so lost
    Let the rain pour down upon me
    I wish to feel something - anything
    sweet rain, awaken me

    Are you out there love?
    Do you hear me, feel me
    search for me, I'm here

    Eyes closed to the world
    I do not wish to feel empty anymore
    loneliness, desire, they swallow me whole

    My hair flowing like a horses main
    wild in the winds of fall
    as it spills down my back

    Find me my love, come to me
    make love to me
    here in the wind, in the rain
    taste the sweet rain off my skin

    Kiss my lips and hold me tight
    let me in, let me in
    my salty tears linger on your tongue

    Glide your hands softly
    across my warm wet skin
    taste, feel my desire

    I want feel alive again
    to feel that magic once again
    to taste passion, feel love

    I want embrace the thunder of your love
    ride the waves of the wind
    feel the pleasure of you inside of me...

August 14, 2013

  • I choose..

    from my private journal... written 3 days ago..

    I choose -

    To live by choice ~ not by chance.

    To be motivated ~ not manipulated.

    To be useful ~ not used.

    To make changes ~ not excuses.

    To excel ~ not compete.

    I choose self-esteem ~ not self-pity.

    I choose to listen to my inner voice, not to the random opinions of others.

     


     

    It is not easy to live life sometimes, and face the world with a smile when you're crying inside.
    It takes a lot of courage to reach down inside, hold on to that strength that's {amazingly} still there, and know that tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities.  
    Just because I fell apart doesn't mean I'm broken.  Have Faith and don't give up on me.

    No matter how much I think, believe, or how much I love, trust or confide in another,
    I always end up alone. That person moves on, runs off, gives up, whatever the case may be. It
    always boils down to a one-sided problem, with no accountability at all on the others' part. I'm just fed bull-shit and kept in
    the dark.. So tired of putting myself out there and getting shit on. So tired of it. I guess all I can say is, lesson learned,
    a much harsher, stronger, and hurtful way this time, I let down my guard too much, but I learned. As always the only person I should ever,
    and will ever trust is SELF. People are phony, pretty {in some cases handsome} liars with the best of intentions. However, they never follow through.
    Instead, its just sweet-talk until they have their fill. Then comes the blame game. The stupid, arrogant, blame game,
    a battle of wits, wills, and opinions, wherein there is no seeing eye-to-eye. It's only "one way" or its the highway, no trying to stick it out,
    no trying to see from another point of view, just a snap of the fingers and you're out. .. Like I didn't mean a damn thing.
    I'm tired of fighting a losing game. I thought it was for real, and I was an idiot for dropping my guard, and *that* is what has me depressed.
    I've come to realize you are done playing. I got the message loud and clear.

    I am the Master of Myself, and I know what I need. I have taken care of myself for 40 years.
    I have looked evil in the face, I have bled, hurt, and hid from the world, and I have always made it through. I know I have what it takes.
    I am not perfect, I will never be perfect. I am not in-shape, model skinny, or look good in a bathing suit, but I have something most of those
    other women will *never* have - strength and courage - I have survived more than what their pretty little heads could even imagine, I have lived
    through what they fear most, I have survived what they would only cower and buckle under.

    I was worth the wait. I am a challenge, and I am very protective of self, for good reason, but I assure you, I was worth it. 
    I haven't changed, the only thing that's changed, is what I will and will not share. I can handle and overcome my pain, but those I share it with, cannot.
    I may have been born to suffer, but I have the inner strength of a warrior woman and I will survive. 
    /the end/

August 7, 2013

  • Rambles..

     
    daydreams, dreamtime, dreamlands.
    no rhyme, no reason..
    strike the chord within..
    just an empty space..
    nothing left inside to remind me of that place 'n time..
    nothing to hold onto anymore..
    nothing to wrap myself around..
    nothing to believe in, no magic, no awe, no wonder..
    does anything really exist, but in our minds
     
    ~to trust or not to trust, is indeed the question here~
    just an empty space..
    filled with cast out dreams, faded memories..
    nothing left just fading, disappearing quietly into the abyss..
    my mind impulses, questions, searches to fill this space..
    I observe the world around me..
    the people around me nothing, and no one seems to be real anymore..
    just dreams and those who dream them..
    nothing left just a memories I cannot trust .. fading..
    floating on the winds of change..
    words are useless, song so softly..
    yet not always meant except only to coax, to use, destroy, string-along..
    no matter how soft, how reassuring..
    that empty space remains..
    questions linger like smoke in the air silent .. heavy..
    nothing left, only drifting, fading dreams a realization of utter lonliness,
    there are no fairy tales, no dreams, hopes..
    just an empty space.. with nothing to fill it..
    within that space resides the sanctuary, sweet, silent, comforting sanctuary..
    amidst the turmoil, the whirlwind, the nagging pain is the calm ..
    be it ever so small, it exists
     
    ~R's Rambles~
     

August 6, 2013

  • Changes. Awaken me. Heal me.

    I'm going to change my blog. Everything. The name, the look, the feel. Its time.

    Give me a few days, and I'll have it reflecting me better. In the symbolic way that I can. As always,

    whether its a blog, journal, website, it *must* or at least *should*

    be a reflection of who you are, so that those who don't know you,

    will feel you and know you by your gentle presence online.

    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Thoughts & Quotes for today ~

    Seven Wonders of the human ~

    1. to see
    2. to hear
    3. to touch
    4. to taste
    5. to feel
    6. to laugh
    7. and to love :)

    Those who are able to rise above their troubles, often find out how trivial many of them are.

    Sometimes it is in our darkest spaces, that we find the true source of our light and find the strength within to keep going.

    The key to the ability to change is a changeless sense of who you are, what you are about and what you value. – Stephen R. Covey

    No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change. – Barbara de Angelis

    If we all did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves. – Thomas Edison

    First we make our habits, then our habits make us. – Charles C. Noble.

    Mind over mattress - wake early when all you want to do is sleep.

    Remember, we all stumble, every one of us.  That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand. – Emily Kimbrough

    Love the life you have - not the one you think you want.

    When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. - Victor Frankl

    See you in a few days.. Off to the graphics designing.. to come up with something good and captivating!

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

April 23, 2013

  • just hold me.. (writing)

    Not sure I like this just yet, I see room for improvements..
    But I'm going to share it anyway.. just because ;}

    will you hold me in my darkness,
    when I am drowning in my fears, my insecurities -
    hold me, don't quiet me,
    hold me, don't ignore me, judge me,
    hold me tight, and be real, forget the mask -
     hold me as the true and raw you
     hold me, tenderly, intimately,
     shield me - from myself
     help me not to go within,
    withdrawing into myself again
     hold on and don't let me drown,
     love me as the imperfect person I am
     look into my eyes openly, honestly,
     hold me as I shake and tremble,
     as I struggle to give voice to the dark void
     that smothers my very existence..
     just hold me and allow me to drift
     even if just for a little while
     into the blissful dream, of my youth
     my dreamlands,
     where soft, round hills
    of tall grass, and wildflowers
     blow softly in the winds,
     where my Knight stands steady by my side
     in both battle, and in peace..
     will you hold me till the storm subsides,
     until the sun rises,
     shining into the dark night of my soul -
     without judging me, without lashing out,
     will you begin then, to understand
     just how much courage, and strength of spirit
     it took for me to even get to this point?
     
    to share my darkest moments,
     my scars, my abuse, my imperfectness
     is truly the most intense, intimate decision of my life..
     I feel .. awakened
     don't let me drown..

     

    (C)042213

April 19, 2013

  • Knowing myself, a little at a time

    A woodland path is good medicine for a weary walker. Soft, rolling steps along the path do not interrupt the harmony of the woods.
    Even the snort of the doe before she bounds away is to tell her fawn to lie low. Many pauses give time to hear and see in detail the call of a
    busy titmouse and the high-pitched whistle of the finch. This is Cherokee paradise - to stand quietly in aged timber and be so much a part of it.
    Even the tiny creek plays water-harps as it winds its way around clumps of dried leaves and slips over round stones that are a part of its past handiwork.
    This is a green cathedral with shafts of sunlight cutting through thick foliage to turn droplets of water into prisms of color.
    Nothing is out of place - not even the walker.

    Following your heart can come with many sacrifices, and you must be prepared for the judgements and opinions of others.
    If you have reached a point in your life where you do want to change, you need to be prepared that not everyone will be willing to come along for the ride.
    Your passion and enthusiasm may sometimes get you into trouble with those who don’t share it.
    Some people will be ready to pounce and criticise you for many reasons.
    You can either let the negative people affect you or you can use what they have to say to empower you to want to travel your path even more...your choice.

    “Whatever can be threatened, whatever can be shaken, whatever you fear cannot stand, is destined to crash.
    Do not go down with the ship. Let that which is destined to become the past slip away.
    Believe that the real you is that which beckons from the future. If it is a sadder you, it will be a wiser one.
    And dawn will follow the darkness sooner or later. Rebirth can never come without death.” ― Robert M. Price  

    I couldn't have said it any better. I'm finally taking the step, to choose life, to live instead of die inside.
    My dawn has come, and although the past is always going to be there, {the well hidden scars of abuse, and tormenting thoughts of insignificance}
    I'm getting stronger, wiser. I'm the sunflower, growing, a bit crooked from wind and storms, weighted with past haunts, scars 
    seen and unseen that reach deep. I've dug deeply down to my roots, I am finding that inner strength, the blood of my warrior ancestors ;}


    I will struggle no matter what to turn to face the light and warmth of the sun, unconditional love, and my gentle source,
    be it Creator, Great Spirit, God, Goddess, whomever you believe in.. Life is one hell of a bumpy, terrifying ride,
    but its worth it, deep down, we all know it. It's just a matter of reaching deep, rediscovering who you are beneath it all,
    beneath the mask, beneath the false fronts we all have, the many faces, and reconnecting to source and who you are.
    We all have faults, we all have scars, they aren't always visible, but they are there. They need love too.
    Not just the pretty parts we show everyone. I cannot be anything other than the raw, beautiful, ugly at times,
    highly emotional *ME*

    As they say, I'd rather be hated for who I am, then loved for what I am not.

    /end thoughts/ at least for now ;}

April 10, 2013

  • Comming back..

    Just a note for those who check in on me every once in a while here at xanga.

    I've been absent for a while now.

    My Husband passed away unexpectedly, here at home with the kids and I on Wednesday, Feb. 6th.

    I have been trying to find my way back to the living.. and trying to adjust (not too well) to being on my own,
    being a Widow at 40. Something I never thought would happen. Not this young. Not yet.

    So, well, I'm here. I'm ok. Unless you mean mentally - in that case, I'm here and there and everywhere ;)

    I look forward to catching up on my reading here. I hope you have been well!

    ~Rhonda~

February 5, 2013

  • I'm so excited!

    My brother-in-law won tickets to Larry the Cable Guy ~ this Friday, in Indy!

    Guess what? He's not going, so my sister is taking me!!!!!!!!!

    I get to see Larry the Cable Guy!!!

    I am so thrilled!!! I love his humor!!!

    I can't wait!!

January 29, 2013

  • More quotes..

    Quotes sometimes say it best.. gotta love 'em :}

    “A hero is just somebody who does the right thing when it would be far, far easier to do nothing.”
    ~ G. Norman Lippert, James Potter and the Hall of Elders' Crossing  

     

    ‎'Times of general calamity and confusion have ever been productive of the greatest minds.
    The purest ore is produced from the hottest furnace, and the brightest thunderbolt is elicited from the darkest storm.'
    ~ Charles Caleb Colton.

     

January 28, 2013

  • Just a quote

    We are all wonderful, beautiful wrecks.

    That's what connects us--that we're all broken,

    all beautifully imperfect.

    ~Emilio Estevez