from my private journal... written 3 days ago..
I choose -
To live by choice ~ not by chance.
To be motivated ~ not manipulated.
To be useful ~ not used.
To make changes ~ not excuses.
To excel ~ not compete.
I choose self-esteem ~ not self-pity.
I choose to listen to my inner voice, not to the random opinions of others.
It is not easy to live life sometimes, and face the world with a smile when you're crying inside.
It takes a lot of courage to reach down inside, hold on to that strength that's {amazingly} still there, and know that tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities.
Just because I fell apart doesn't mean I'm broken. Have Faith and don't give up on me.
No matter how much I think, believe, or how much I love, trust or confide in another,
I always end up alone. That person moves on, runs off, gives up, whatever the case may be. It
always boils down to a one-sided problem, with no accountability at all on the others' part. I'm just fed bull-shit and kept in
the dark.. So tired of putting myself out there and getting shit on. So tired of it. I guess all I can say is, lesson learned,
a much harsher, stronger, and hurtful way this time, I let down my guard too much, but I learned. As always the only person I should ever,
and will ever trust is SELF. People are phony, pretty {in some cases handsome} liars with the best of intentions. However, they never follow through.
Instead, its just sweet-talk until they have their fill. Then comes the blame game. The stupid, arrogant, blame game,
a battle of wits, wills, and opinions, wherein there is no seeing eye-to-eye. It's only "one way" or its the highway, no trying to stick it out,
no trying to see from another point of view, just a snap of the fingers and you're out. .. Like I didn't mean a damn thing.
I'm tired of fighting a losing game. I thought it was for real, and I was an idiot for dropping my guard, and *that* is what has me depressed.
I've come to realize you are done playing. I got the message loud and clear.
I am the Master of Myself, and I know what I need. I have taken care of myself for 40 years.
I have looked evil in the face, I have bled, hurt, and hid from the world, and I have always made it through. I know I have what it takes.
I am not perfect, I will never be perfect. I am not in-shape, model skinny, or look good in a bathing suit, but I have something most of those
other women will *never* have - strength and courage - I have survived more than what their pretty little heads could even imagine, I have lived
through what they fear most, I have survived what they would only cower and buckle under.
I was worth the wait. I am a challenge, and I am very protective of self, for good reason, but I assure you, I was worth it.
I haven't changed, the only thing that's changed, is what I will and will not share. I can handle and overcome my pain, but those I share it with, cannot.
I may have been born to suffer, but I have the inner strength of a warrior woman and I will survive.
/the end/