wishing I had someone to hold me, love me, and cuddle me to sleep..
so I can rest my head on his chest
feel his gentle heart beat in my ear
feel his chest rise and fall with each breath
smell the scent of his cologne
his fingers wrapped up in my hair
running his hand down my side
resting it on my hip..
kissing my forehead
letting me know
I'm protected
secure
and in sweet serenity
as nothing else
exists in those moments..

*sigh*
G'night Xanga-land.. I can't wait until you get done updating! I'm missing my freedom of expression - design expressions.
Is anyone even out there? Seems everyone has left Who is going to comment now that everyone's left.. I feel alone.. *pout*

As the sun begins to fade
the bonfire lit, the drinks chilled
‘tis been my dream, my wish
beneath the shining stars to dance
indeed I have been lulled
by your sweet advance
softly, my heart pounding fast
trembling a bit, ‘tis my first dance
when my eyes met yours
I felt like a goddess, a beauty queen
my hips begin to gently sway like
autumn leaves upon the wind
you see the sweat upon my skin
shimmering like diamonds in the fires glow
kindled desire I express in dance
your eyes move to my soft round breasts
your glance wanders down
watching my hips as they circle
in slow rhythmic spirals
as if lulled into a trance
my tongue meets softly
between my painted red lips
I close my eyes while I dance
thinking of loves gentle penetration
of you beneath me under the moons soft glow
lulled by my beauty dance
mesmerizing are your eyes as they watch me
loving the hunger seen in your face
as I turn you see my hair spilled down
like a horses main it gently flows
in the gentle wind
my curves so vibrant and alive
you wish to caress them
like a flowers petals soft and delicate
you wish to taste my sweet nectar
caught in a lovers trance
you look divine as you advance near
our eyes meet our desires transcend
all time and all languages
gently you reach
for my soft porcelain white hand
leaning forward to place
a gentle but full loving kiss
you watch my lips as I softly whisper
oh sweet love, I await the chance
to climb upon you and do the lovers dance..

.. and boy would I rather be doing that tonight ..
(C)121713

Reflections

When despair grows in me
I cry at the simplest things

I awake in the night
to the sounds of crying..
reaching to hold my head
in the palms of my hands,
I realize it is my tears... and my voice I heard

I fear what has become of me
that old woman I see in the mirror
I feel the emptiness consume me

In my dreams

I lay down
in natures bed of grass
beneath the willow tree

where the white swans rest
in the calm cool waters
where the birds come to sing

I come into peace with these animals
they do not fixate their lives
with aforethought of grief.

Nor of things past, of what grief may lay ahead...
I come into the presence of love and warmth
from the sun whose rays illuminate
the dew drops that surround me..

Just for this moment,
I rest in the grace of the world
the beauty I have seen
the love I have
the ones who've
touched my life for always

I am thankful

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A rainy night

Raindrops dancing upon my pale skin
in the light of the moon
tickling as it glides

I feel so lonely, so lost
Let the rain pour down upon me
I wish to feel something - anything
sweet rain, awaken me

Are you out there love?
Do you hear me, feel me
search for me, I'm here

Eyes closed to the world
I do not wish to feel empty anymore
loneliness, desire, they swallow me whole

My hair flowing like a horses main
wild in the winds of fall
as it spills down my back

Find me my love, come to me
make love to me
here in the wind, in the rain
taste the sweet rain off my skin

Kiss my lips and hold me tight
let me in, let me in
my salty tears linger on your tongue

Glide your hands softly
across my warm wet skin
taste, feel my desire

I want feel alive again
to feel that magic once again
to taste passion, feel love

I want embrace the thunder of your love
ride the waves of the wind
feel the pleasure of you inside of me...

from my private journal... written 3 days ago..

I choose -

To live by choice ~ not by chance.

To be motivated ~ not manipulated.

To be useful ~ not used.

To make changes ~ not excuses.

To excel ~ not compete.

I choose self-esteem ~ not self-pity.

I choose to listen to my inner voice, not to the random opinions of others.

It is not easy to live life sometimes, and face the world with a smile when you're crying inside.
It takes a lot of courage to reach down inside, hold on to that strength that's {amazingly} still there, and know that tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities.  
Just because I fell apart doesn't mean I'm broken.  Have Faith and don't give up on me.

No matter how much I think, believe, or how much I love, trust or confide in another,
I always end up alone. That person moves on, runs off, gives up, whatever the case may be. It
always boils down to a one-sided problem, with no accountability at all on the others' part. I'm just fed bull-shit and kept in
the dark.. So tired of putting myself out there and getting shit on. So tired of it. I guess all I can say is, lesson learned,
a much harsher, stronger, and hurtful way this time, I let down my guard too much, but I learned. As always the only person I should ever,
and will ever trust is SELF. People are phony, pretty {in some cases handsome} liars with the best of intentions. However, they never follow through.
Instead, its just sweet-talk until they have their fill. Then comes the blame game. The stupid, arrogant, blame game,
a battle of wits, wills, and opinions, wherein there is no seeing eye-to-eye. It's only "one way" or its the highway, no trying to stick it out,
no trying to see from another point of view, just a snap of the fingers and you're out. .. Like I didn't mean a damn thing.
I'm tired of fighting a losing game. I thought it was for real, and I was an idiot for dropping my guard, and *that* is what has me depressed.
I've come to realize you are done playing. I got the message loud and clear.

I am the Master of Myself, and I know what I need. I have taken care of myself for 40 years.
I have looked evil in the face, I have bled, hurt, and hid from the world, and I have always made it through. I know I have what it takes.
I am not perfect, I will never be perfect. I am not in-shape, model skinny, or look good in a bathing suit, but I have something most of those
other women will *never* have - strength and courage - I have survived more than what their pretty little heads could even imagine, I have lived
through what they fear most, I have survived what they would only cower and buckle under.

I was worth the wait. I am a challenge, and I am very protective of self, for good reason, but I assure you, I was worth it. 
I haven't changed, the only thing that's changed, is what I will and will not share. I can handle and overcome my pain, but those I share it with, cannot.
I may have been born to suffer, but I have the inner strength of a warrior woman and I will survive. 
/the end/

I'm going to change my blog. Everything. The name, the look, the feel. Its time.

Give me a few days, and I'll have it reflecting me better. In the symbolic way that I can. As always,

whether its a blog, journal, website, it *must* or at least *should*

be a reflection of who you are, so that those who don't know you,

will feel you and know you by your gentle presence online.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Thoughts & Quotes for today ~

Seven Wonders of the human ~

1. to see
2. to hear
3. to touch
4. to taste
5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and to love

Those who are able to rise above their troubles, often find out how trivial many of them are.

Sometimes it is in our darkest spaces, that we find the true source of our light and find the strength within to keep going.

The key to the ability to change is a changeless sense of who you are, what you are about and what you value. – Stephen R. Covey

No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change. – Barbara de Angelis

If we all did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves. – Thomas Edison

First we make our habits, then our habits make us. – Charles C. Noble.

Mind over mattress - wake early when all you want to do is sleep.

Remember, we all stumble, every one of us.  That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand. – Emily Kimbrough

Love the life you have - not the one you think you want.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. - Victor Frankl

See you in a few days.. Off to the graphics designing.. to come up with something good and captivating!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Not sure I like this just yet, I see room for improvements..
But I'm going to share it anyway.. just because ;}

will you hold me in my darkness,
when I am drowning in my fears, my insecurities -
hold me, don't quiet me,
hold me, don't ignore me, judge me,
hold me tight, and be real, forget the mask -
 hold me as the true and raw you
 hold me, tenderly, intimately,
 shield me - from myself
 help me not to go within,
withdrawing into myself again
 hold on and don't let me drown,
 love me as the imperfect person I am
 look into my eyes openly, honestly,
 hold me as I shake and tremble,
 as I struggle to give voice to the dark void
 that smothers my very existence..
 just hold me and allow me to drift
 even if just for a little while
 into the blissful dream, of my youth
 my dreamlands,
 where soft, round hills
of tall grass, and wildflowers
 blow softly in the winds,
 where my Knight stands steady by my side
 in both battle, and in peace..
 will you hold me till the storm subsides,
 until the sun rises,
 shining into the dark night of my soul -
 without judging me, without lashing out,
 will you begin then, to understand
 just how much courage, and strength of spirit
 it took for me to even get to this point?
 
to share my darkest moments,
 my scars, my abuse, my imperfectness
 is truly the most intense, intimate decision of my life..
 I feel .. awakened
 don't let me drown..

(C)042213

A woodland path is good medicine for a weary walker. Soft, rolling steps along the path do not interrupt the harmony of the woods.
Even the snort of the doe before she bounds away is to tell her fawn to lie low. Many pauses give time to hear and see in detail the call of a
busy titmouse and the high-pitched whistle of the finch. This is Cherokee paradise - to stand quietly in aged timber and be so much a part of it.
Even the tiny creek plays water-harps as it winds its way around clumps of dried leaves and slips over round stones that are a part of its past handiwork.
This is a green cathedral with shafts of sunlight cutting through thick foliage to turn droplets of water into prisms of color.
Nothing is out of place - not even the walker.

Following your heart can come with many sacrifices, and you must be prepared for the judgements and opinions of others.
If you have reached a point in your life where you do want to change, you need to be prepared that not everyone will be willing to come along for the ride.
Your passion and enthusiasm may sometimes get you into trouble with those who don’t share it.
Some people will be ready to pounce and criticise you for many reasons.
You can either let the negative people affect you or you can use what they have to say to empower you to want to travel your path even more...your choice.

“Whatever can be threatened, whatever can be shaken, whatever you fear cannot stand, is destined to crash.
Do not go down with the ship. Let that which is destined to become the past slip away.
Believe that the real you is that which beckons from the future. If it is a sadder you, it will be a wiser one.
And dawn will follow the darkness sooner or later. Rebirth can never come without death.” ― Robert M. Price  

I couldn't have said it any better. I'm finally taking the step, to choose life, to live instead of die inside.
My dawn has come, and although the past is always going to be there, {the well hidden scars of abuse, and tormenting thoughts of insignificance}
I'm getting stronger, wiser. I'm the sunflower, growing, a bit crooked from wind and storms, weighted with past haunts, scars 
seen and unseen that reach deep. I've dug deeply down to my roots, I am finding that inner strength, the blood of my warrior ancestors ;}

I will struggle no matter what to turn to face the light and warmth of the sun, unconditional love, and my gentle source,
be it Creator, Great Spirit, God, Goddess, whomever you believe in.. Life is one hell of a bumpy, terrifying ride,
but its worth it, deep down, we all know it. It's just a matter of reaching deep, rediscovering who you are beneath it all,
beneath the mask, beneath the false fronts we all have, the many faces, and reconnecting to source and who you are.
We all have faults, we all have scars, they aren't always visible, but they are there. They need love too.
Not just the pretty parts we show everyone. I cannot be anything other than the raw, beautiful, ugly at times,
highly emotional *ME*

As they say, I'd rather be hated for who I am, then loved for what I am not.

/end thoughts/ at least for now ;}

Just a note for those who check in on me every once in a while here at xanga.

I've been absent for a while now.

My Husband passed away unexpectedly, here at home with the kids and I on Wednesday, Feb. 6th.

I have been trying to find my way back to the living.. and trying to adjust (not too well) to being on my own,
being a Widow at 40. Something I never thought would happen. Not this young. Not yet.

So, well, I'm here. I'm ok. Unless you mean mentally - in that case, I'm here and there and everywhere

I look forward to catching up on my reading here. I hope you have been well!

~Rhonda~

My brother-in-law won tickets to Larry the Cable Guy ~ this Friday, in Indy!

Guess what? He's not going, so my sister is taking me!!!!!!!!!

I get to see Larry the Cable Guy!!!

I am so thrilled!!! I love his humor!!!

I can't wait!!

Quotes sometimes say it best.. gotta love 'em :}

“A hero is just somebody who does the right thing when it would be far, far easier to do nothing.”
~ G. Norman Lippert, James Potter and the Hall of Elders' Crossing  

‎'Times of general calamity and confusion have ever been productive of the greatest minds.
The purest ore is produced from the hottest furnace, and the brightest thunderbolt is elicited from the darkest storm.'
~ Charles Caleb Colton.

We are all wonderful, beautiful wrecks.

That's what connects us--that we're all broken,

all beautifully imperfect.

~Emilio Estevez