September 16, 2011

• Randomness

  

   

   Is that a word? *grin* I am probably the most random lady you'll ever meet. I'm stretched from one end of the spectrum to the other. I'm individual, I'm unique. No matter what, I'm me. I can't help it, I can't pretend to be what I am not. Been there - done that - tried that - epic fail *grin*

  Many are surprised at my many layers (qualities) and my multi-interesting personality. I've made life a quest of learning, exploration, and above all else, fun! Much like the stereotypical 'nerd' I love to read, I love to learn. Especially when it comes to philosophical things, spirituality and religion. The more I learn, the more questions I have, and the more I dig deeper.. the more it amazes and astounds me!

  Just like the trunk of a tree, if you were to view my many rings, you'd be able to map and know my story. The deepest ones quite apparent, and astounding.. As I say often "there's always a method (a reason) to my madness".

  I am particular on whom I befriend, whom I trust, whom I allow a peek into my depths.. I allow you to 'nest' on my branches, but do not allow you within. A very select few are allowed to peck away and gain a glimpse, and live in my depths (heart & soul). I feel vulnerable, I feel exposed when that happens. To do so I am giving out trust, I am allowing my truth, my very essence of self to be seen and opened up to infections by drama, storms, lightening, and hostel takeovers.. Constantly on guard, I keep a watchful eye on my nesters.. wondering, waiting, for them to harm me or mine.

  A pessimistic view? Perhaps. Caused by the erosion of that childlike wonderment of people, places, the open love and sharing we all had as young humans.. It took a storm with hail and high winds to caution me.. I chose to remain innocent.. The hurricane came, it nearly drowned me, I didn't give in. It took a thief to finally break me, stealing my youth, my innocence, my trust and my faith in something 'more'.. I remained callused and hard for many years, building layers, trying to hide the memory, the scars from that 'storm'.. Till I slowly began to see and realize that although that storm was intense and changed me, scarred me forever, it was still part of me. It had left its mark- no matter what, I cannot erase those marks {memories} or cover them with pretty bows.

  I realized I had to really turn around and take a good hard look at my scars. I had to stand in the midst of that storm - steady my trembling self, and look into the eyes of that storm. To say I am strong, I am powerful, worthy of love and strong enough to be able to forgive. To forgive the storm, because that storm just like me was a result of uncontrollable events and pains. I was able to look beyond those black clouds of despair and misunderstanding and see that beneath it all was a silent, hurting soul. Just like me. 

  Once I was able to not only see my scars, but know them, I was able to see my beauty. Once I seen my beauty, I began to see the beauty in others, in life, death & rebirth. How one must not necessarily die to have a rebirth. There are many types of death, just like with nature, out of the death of a rose, comes another bloom and another beautful rose - a cycle of gorgeous, natural death & rebirth year after year.

  I learned, I see, I know, that everything from the very air we breathe, to the thoughts we think - are all connected by an "invisible spider web".. Weaved over generations, weaved across land, sky and sea.. Knowing that what affects one - affects the all.

   

  Yet I feel so alone. Like a tree that stands by itself in a wide open field. Delicately dancing in the winds of the seasons. Hoping to one day not stand alone, to feel the gentle brush of a familiar hand, the tender touch of love and the brilliant sensations, of true connectiveness. Giving hope, raising higher, and being noticed as the one that never gave in, or gave up. Just stood her ground.

  ~randomness rambles from rhonda~ congrats if you actually understood my depths

  • 10:19 am
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