December 20, 2011
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Searching. Drifting.
I feel so disconnected. Like I have been unplugged from living. All my insecurities have floated to the top again. I feel unattractive. I feel unworthy of love. I feel alone. I feel fat. I feel like everyone lies. I feel people only compliment to make me feel better, that they really don't mean it. They say it because it's the right thing to do, to be nice. I don't trust. I feel like no one ever really sees me. I feel like I am invisible. That no one really cares, pays attention, or sees me. I keep walls up. I protect and guard to the point where I don't even know myself. I ache for some contact, true, real contact. So much so, I could just cry. Its like torture. I want to feel alive. I want to feel like someone gives a shit. I want true friends, not face-value ones. I want to feel attractive, not necessarily in the sexual way, I just want to feel pretty for once. I feel like I'm the one looked over, looked past, and not seen. For once, I want to be seen. I want to feel something. I want to feel ..
I reach but there's never anyone there. No hand. No shoulder. Nothing.
I want to be held. To feel that warm, safe feeling of being protected and loved.
*knock* *knock* I'm real. I'm here. I feel. I hurt. I hope. I desire. I'm drifting. Alone in the middle of a vast ocean with depths unknown.. Behind me the horizon where the moon shimmers its light across the waves. In front of me, fog and darkness. It swallows me. It consumes me. I cannot see. I cannot find my way out. I must feel. I am slowly dying inside and no one sees it, except for me, when I see it reflected in the mirror each day.. drifting..
