May 7, 2012

  • Just another day..

    I don't update this as often as I should. I don't write as much as I used to. I'm not really sure why. Seems I've been hit, hell, beat up by the "drawing a blank" slash "writers block" lol

    Life seems to have thrown piles of shit on me lately. Feel like I'm spiraling towards that depression again. So hard to snap out of it when everywhere I turn, everywhere I look, and everything I do seems to remind me of the hell I went through in the past with him.. Hell, it slaps me in the face with a strong hand.. Maybe its midlife crisis? Nah, that'd be to simple. I sure as hell know *nothing* is simple in my life, never has been lol.

    Damn it. Feel so blah. Like I am just going through the motions of living, but not actually *living*.

    I ache to feel something real. Real emotions given instead of lip-service. Recognition - a nice "thank you" or hey "nice job" would be nice once in a while. Ever feel like the invisible one? Like everything you do, and everything you strive for, achieve, is just "invisible".. Waving hands in the air, yelling "HEY - I AM RIGHT HERE" and no one even sees... yup, that's how I'm feeling. The familiar roller-coaster ride of emotions, low, high, in-between.. confused, alone, lonely, sometimes even desperation peaks.. Is this what it's like to have clinical depression? It's like life has lost its purpose for me. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, all those familiar clichès. Or perhaps it's because I've grown 'numb' to the things around me. I don't know. I do know I can't stand it. I find it so easy to help others, and easily see their issues & even feel them sometimes (pain in the ass being an empath). Yet, I find it extremely difficult to turn the mirror on myself. Although I do see my issues, and I know how I can fix them, and be happy - I cannot bring myself to do so. I end up thinking of the other-side's perspective. Then I feel guilt, or like I'm being selfish. But is it? I toss it around in my head like someone playing catch with a wall. I toss the ball, it hits, and just bounces back to me - only for me to toss it at the wall again. Stuck in a rut. Stuck on stupid. Stuck on the highway to hell lol. Probably confusing the hell outta anyone reading this *sigh* Well, I'd explain further and in more vivid details, but, it is a quite personal problem that I am not willing to just air in "public". For those of you who know me, you'll know just what I'm talking about.

    .. rambling thoughts for now.. maybe I'll update later.

    To sum it all up in a quote - "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you *feel* all alone. ~ Robin Williams 

    I couldn't have said it any better myself.