~the following is not written by me, it’s snipped from a friends’ posting on facebook~

However, this is my foot.. just something different to put here lol

Today’s Divine message: Freedom
 
Time to come out of your shell Sparks!
You nested too long inside your protective shell, away from the world.
The time has come to break free of it and allow yourself true freedom.
Let go of the past and move forward to the present moment.
Your heart needs this, your soul needs this and the world needs you to shine!
 
Moving out of your protective shell opens you up to letting others in and allowing your true heart to be seen.
There is nothing to fear Sparks!
Come out and live life, you are too special of a bright being to stay cooped up in your shell.
Take small steps if you need at first – but take them today! ♥
 

Wild how sometimes we see/read things that we need to know or ‘hear’ isn’t it?

this one kinda applies to me today..

wow.

I stand before you
truthful, exposed
offering my all, to you
my body, my heart
rest in the palm of your hand
please, please be gentle with me
I cannot bear any more pain
I’m torn, I’m mending, I’m hurting
I’ve been trapped
in the confines of my mind
“trust NO one but SELF”
has been my motto for
so many years
survival, instinct
it’s kept me alive
yet, now, i am drowning 
no one sees,
or cares to look that deeply
I am fighting off
closing my eyes to the world
to everyone
i don’t wish to see
or hurt anymore
no more pain
no more anger
the child within me 
wants to be held 
i want to feel safe, secure
but is that really truly possible
or am I just foolin’ myself again
i look in the mirror 
I curse this image,
this existance of mine, 
I don’t feel worthy
I don’t feel beautiful 
so many times I’ve cried out
searching for a sign
craving love and guidance
many times cursing
hating, the very essence of my life
it always lands on deaf ears,
a deaf ‘god’
there’s never anyone there,
anyone that’s true
feeling like a pathetic
nobody
lip service, lip service,
so tired of that shit
it always ends the same
i am always, always alone

remove from me this curse I feel

~ born to suffer ~

~I’m a loser baby, so give up on me~

My mind can only interpret things based on the past, on what I’ve experienced, what I’ve known. I’m sorry I am so complicated!

Dark night of the soul, is a when the darkness that looms over me
that lurks within the very depths of my mind..
begins to awaken, to make itself known
it can be a night, or it can be many..
my thinking becomes depressing,
“what’s the use, what’s the point?” are things I ask
It’s being deeply emotional, and feeling like I am drowning in memories,
overwhelmed with feelings I am unable to cope well with..
It’s my life force, my energy being ‘sucked’ right out of me..
It’s hopelessness.. it’s feeling so very alone, so alone
It’s feeling like the constant void I’ve had is growing, pulsating, reminding me of it’s presence..

its fighting against that which I cannot see
but only what I feel
not knowing where to turn to
where to lean
and realizing, again,
I’m still all alone.

waking from a long slumber,

only to be in awe of the world I now see –

is it possible for the worlds to coinside,

to live simutaneously within

or does one die so the other may live

I feel as though I have lived most of my life half asleep
everything is so twisted, so harsh, so hidden
I am sick of the shadows..

I’m beginning to realize most the things I was told as a kid –
aren’t necessarily true
things I witnessed, things I felt,
things I was told,
things that were ‘drilled’ into me
the evil I seen, felt, and knew 
 it was not truth 

I have been looking over my past
almost like it’s someone else – when I do..
discovering, learning,
trying to solve the riddle of ‘self’
who I am and what makes me tick
what’s kept me holding on to the thin line of hope I have left

the world I am beginning to ‘see’
in my minds eye
the world I’ve never thought truly existed
is beginning to show itself after all these years,

is peace really attainable
am I really worth it
or am i just once again fooling myself
set up for failure, betrayal, hurt once again

when my eyes are fully open,
will I be living as ‘me’
what will become of the old me,
the distant memories,
the past haunts
will they live and breathe within me
or will that ‘self’ die
will I truly be free 
will I live, truly live – in the new world I see

“the truth will set you free”

the ‘ole familiar phrase 

but will that truth also mean death for me

… … … .
just that constant state of change
never rest, relax, enjoy..

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, here’s two.

Both reflective of my thoughts and feelings last night, this morning and now..

Music is great for the soul, art is great for the mind.. both are good to express what we cannot put into words easily, or if we can’t find the words.

You can hold yourself back from the sufferings of the world,
that is something you are free to do and it accords with your nature,
but perhaps this very holding back is the one suffering you could avoid.

“I am in chains. Don’t touch my chains.”
― Franz Kafka

“Writing is utter solitude, the descent into the cold abyss of oneself.”
― Franz Kafka

“The truth is always an abyss.
One must — as in a swimming pool
dare to dive from the quivering springboard of trivial everyday experience
and sink into the depths, in order to later rise again
laughing and fighting for breath
to the now doubly illuminated surface of things.”
― Franz Kafka

And so it begins, another day, more thoughts, more questions, more soul-searching.   “me thinks me thinks too much” lol
However, if you don’t question the very things that make you tick, how else will you become master of yourself?

To know is to master, to master is to ??

Life is a never-ending circle. No real beginning, nor end, just a continuous loop of changes.
The only thing constant is change.

Mary, Queen of Scots said it best with this statement in her final days:

“In the end is my beginning”
Profound, when you think deeply on that one.

So, today, at least for now, I leave you with a one picture blog and not much else {for now}
After all, they say a picture is worth a 1000 words, yes?

Off to see my Mom today… Will update later.

Well, I see my other posting didn’t get much attention. Was it really that bad? lol Yes, I’m an attention junkie when it comes to posts. Why? Helps me critique my writing skills.
Sometimes they just plain suck. Sometimes I don’t get my thoughts across just right. Sometimes my fingers go quicker than my brain, and somewhere in-between, it gets
lost

Today I’m thinking wow. I’ve discovered, unearthed a part of me I only dreamt existed. “Holy shit” are the only two words I can think to describe it. Didn’t know it was possible.

Anyway, that’s all too personal to share here *shy grin* So I won’t.

However, I will share this.

Late bloomer. Right now, as of this moment, that’s what I’m thinking of myself as – a late bloomer.
For lack of a good way to explain, I’ll resort to my best way of phrasing things -
quotes, comparisons, cliches -

Ever feel like a mushroom – kept in the dark, hidden from the sun (life force) that surrounds you?

Fed shit to grow, only to find once you bloom and are hand-picked
that the shit you were fed did you nothing but shelter you from the sun?

Feel like a bloom hanging on the edge of a rose bushes branch?
Fighting your way free stretching, twisting, turning, around, above, between the other branches,
reaching, searching, feeling something bigger was out there..
not sure whether it was just dreams and fantasy, or truth?
Till one day, you reach the distance, you feel the sun on your petals,
you stretch, emerge, awaken..
meeting your petals is a warmth like nothing you’ve ever known,
you stretch you release your scent, sending it out into the mysterious world around you..
wanting, loving, needing that release, sending out wave upon wave of bliss,
sharing, searching, feeding the universe around,
not wanting it to end, sending life floating in the winds..

Feel like a animal rescued from an abusive past
having only known a limited world, harshness, insecurity,
self-doubt, self-loathing..
Desperately seeking comfort, security, raw love,
yet scared to death of it
shivering, eyes wide open, showing your teeth,
scaring away the hand that reaches out
not wanting to give in and trust again
knowing, feeling that freshness of betrayal
of your harsh past,
knowing this hand may hurt you too
remember .. remember ..
says the voice within, strikes a nerve,
triggers a memory, a feeling –
Snap! you nip at the hand that’s trying
no, no, no I will not be hurt again
I am in control, no one will ever hurt me again
The hand continues to try,
hours, weeks, who knows, time holds no sense
for my pain, my memories, they live and breathe
inside like a constant companion, ever vigilant
Ok fine.. I allow you to pet, to observe a bit,
it feels good, I try to relax, I try to enjoy,
but I want to stay guarded.. my fur still ruffled and upright
Ok ok you win, partially..
wagging my tail, my eyes smiling,
is this what the other dogs experience,
is this what it’s all for, or about..
I search your eyes, I sniff the palm of your hand,
searching, studying, are you for real
do I dare to trust you, to open myself up
ok ok I will allow you this much
you will see my beauty, my happiness,
but inside, I insist I will remain guarded,
locked in, behind sharp teeth,
a strong will, a primal instinct,
to survive, to reject, to run,
before being left, hurt,
abandoned, betrayed
its there, I cannot deny it.

Instinct. Survival. The way. 

/end rambling, uncategorized, unedited, raw thoughts/

’till next time the creative bells chime within ..

Self-discovery at it’s most primal, raw, unscripted way..

According to Bear Heart, in his book “The Wind Is My Mother” ~ “there are many types of death, one need not die a physical death in order to die”

How very true. I read that book probably about 10 years ago now, and I still come back to that passage in the beginning of the book. Profound, isn’t it? The more I live, the more I search within, the more I realize just how many deaths I’ve truly had over the course of my life. It’s truly a very hard, hard road to look back over my life with open eyes. I’m so complex, so cluttered emotionally, I feel I’ve only scratched the surface of who I truly am. In a life that’s ebb and flow is much like an ocean, I’ve drifted just like that, coming to shore, then going out to sea.. Never really knowing anything but that constant state of change. Never really venturing any further. I just act and then react. Then the process repeats again and again. That familiarity of it makes it numbing, ‘mindless’ if you will.

“going through the motions of life, yet not really living”

I think back over the years, and my life plays like a video in my minds eye. If I were to put music to it, it’d be a cross between a violin playing on a dark damp night in the distance, or the chilling screams of an electric guitar echoing across a foggy field. All depends on the memory I’m seeing and feeling. When I look back with open eyes, not only do I replay the experience, in many ways I feel it all over again. Much like scratching the scab on an almost healed wound, only to reopen it again. However, most of my wounds have no view. I wish to suffocate them by tucking them deep within. They never really close, never really heal, they only hide in the shadows - the deep crevices in my psyche/mind.

“our childhood experiences shape our adulthood”

/end journal thoughts for today/

Plus, it’s best to put these elsewhere, hidden .. .. ..