August 16, 2012
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Day 1: At the edge of the abyss..
Self-discovery at it’s most primal, raw, unscripted way..
According to Bear Heart, in his book “The Wind Is My Mother” ~ “there are many types of death, one need not die a physical death in order to die”
How very true. I read that book probably about 10 years ago now, and I still come back to that passage in the beginning of the book. Profound, isn’t it? The more I live, the more I search within, the more I realize just how many deaths I’ve truly had over the course of my life. It’s truly a very hard, hard road to look back over my life with open eyes. I’m so complex, so cluttered emotionally, I feel I’ve only scratched the surface of who I truly am. In a life that’s ebb and flow is much like an ocean, I’ve drifted just like that, coming to shore, then going out to sea.. Never really knowing anything but that constant state of change. Never really venturing any further. I just act and then react. Then the process repeats again and again. That familiarity of it makes it numbing, ‘mindless’ if you will.
“going through the motions of life, yet not really living”
I think back over the years, and my life plays like a video in my minds eye. If I were to put music to it, it’d be a cross between a violin playing on a dark damp night in the distance, or the chilling screams of an electric guitar echoing across a foggy field. All depends on the memory I’m seeing and feeling. When I look back with open eyes, not only do I replay the experience, in many ways I feel it all over again. Much like scratching the scab on an almost healed wound, only to reopen it again. However, most of my wounds have no view. I wish to suffocate them by tucking them deep within. They never really close, never really heal, they only hide in the shadows - the deep crevices in my psyche/mind.
“our childhood experiences shape our adulthood”
/end journal thoughts for today/
Plus, it’s best to put these elsewhere, hidden .. .. ..
Comments (3)
I hope that someday you won’t feel the need to tuck your wounds away, that you’ll feel safe enough and secure enough in yourself to let them stay on top, to cleanse and to heal.
This is so profound. I have to agree with the above comment, the only way the wounds will heal is for you to be able to uncover them completely and be helped to let them heal out in the open. You are a very special lady, and I hope most of anything in the world that you find that safe haven for yourself before you lose your will to live life to its fullest.
Michael
@MichaelR138 - thank you.. uncovering and exposing them to the world, the air, makes them sting.. and I’m a baby when it comes to inner pain. :}