September 11, 2012

  • "Alone" another ramble-writing of mine

    I stand alone
    under the dark night sky
    wondering where time has gone
    what has it done to me
    still not knowing
    who I really am

    leaning my head back,
    looking into the night sky
    clouded and hazy
    only a few stars are visible

    I whisper into the night air
    holding back my tears why --
    why do people have to be so hateful?
    like delicate dew drops
    are the tears that gather
    as I fight them back

    dropping to my knees
    feeling so weak
    with weighted memories
    of past haunts, scars that last a lifetime

    I wonder if I will ever be free
    from these twisted,
    hurtful memories
    can I face them down
    look them in the eye
    am I strong enough to survive

    I feel so weak
    so child-like, I want to feel
    something real, anything, please
    just once to know what it's like
    to know serenity of the soul
    to know comfort  

    I look at others
    who complain, who cry 'hurt'
    and I question - do they really know
    true pain, anger, betrayal, lonliness?
    they've heard about evil -
    however, I have seen true evil
    reflected in anothers' eyes
    I have stared evil in the eye
    they speak of fear,
    but have not truly experienced
    the life-clenching, heart pounding
    fear that I have experienced

    I've walked alone, dreamed alone
    cried alone, and I pull myself up - alone
    its always been that way
    trust no one but self
    Instinct. Survival.  

    I lay on the cool soft grass
    as the tears softly
    glide from my eyes to my hairline
    just once, if that's all I get -

    I will seize that opportunity

    just once to be held,
    to know that I'm ok, not a failure, not an outcast
    that I am worth something, anything

    just once
    to feel that comfort, that love

    just once
    to let me know
    I do not have to walk this path alone
    that what I do is not for nothing

    just for once to feel
    secure, to rest, really rest

    here under the moons' soft loving glow
    I cannot help but ask - why -
    I have no one, no comfort to feel
    none that is 'real'
    just words .. appearing on a screen

    I never truly rest, not even my mind -
    with each rythm of my heart beat -
    hope is there - but its fading as I am aging

    still wondering, seeking, asking
    "Whence comes my peace?"
    will I ever feel a part of something more

     

    ~written by little 'ole me 9/11/2012~

     

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