Month: April 2013

  • just hold me.. (writing)

    Not sure I like this just yet, I see room for improvements..
    But I'm going to share it anyway.. just because ;}

    will you hold me in my darkness,
    when I am drowning in my fears, my insecurities -
    hold me, don't quiet me,
    hold me, don't ignore me, judge me,
    hold me tight, and be real, forget the mask -
     hold me as the true and raw you
     hold me, tenderly, intimately,
     shield me - from myself
     help me not to go within,
    withdrawing into myself again
     hold on and don't let me drown,
     love me as the imperfect person I am
     look into my eyes openly, honestly,
     hold me as I shake and tremble,
     as I struggle to give voice to the dark void
     that smothers my very existence..
     just hold me and allow me to drift
     even if just for a little while
     into the blissful dream, of my youth
     my dreamlands,
     where soft, round hills
    of tall grass, and wildflowers
     blow softly in the winds,
     where my Knight stands steady by my side
     in both battle, and in peace..
     will you hold me till the storm subsides,
     until the sun rises,
     shining into the dark night of my soul -
     without judging me, without lashing out,
     will you begin then, to understand
     just how much courage, and strength of spirit
     it took for me to even get to this point?
     
    to share my darkest moments,
     my scars, my abuse, my imperfectness
     is truly the most intense, intimate decision of my life..
     I feel .. awakened
     don't let me drown..

     

    (C)042213

  • Knowing myself, a little at a time

    A woodland path is good medicine for a weary walker. Soft, rolling steps along the path do not interrupt the harmony of the woods.
    Even the snort of the doe before she bounds away is to tell her fawn to lie low. Many pauses give time to hear and see in detail the call of a
    busy titmouse and the high-pitched whistle of the finch. This is Cherokee paradise - to stand quietly in aged timber and be so much a part of it.
    Even the tiny creek plays water-harps as it winds its way around clumps of dried leaves and slips over round stones that are a part of its past handiwork.
    This is a green cathedral with shafts of sunlight cutting through thick foliage to turn droplets of water into prisms of color.
    Nothing is out of place - not even the walker.

    Following your heart can come with many sacrifices, and you must be prepared for the judgements and opinions of others.
    If you have reached a point in your life where you do want to change, you need to be prepared that not everyone will be willing to come along for the ride.
    Your passion and enthusiasm may sometimes get you into trouble with those who don’t share it.
    Some people will be ready to pounce and criticise you for many reasons.
    You can either let the negative people affect you or you can use what they have to say to empower you to want to travel your path even more...your choice.

    “Whatever can be threatened, whatever can be shaken, whatever you fear cannot stand, is destined to crash.
    Do not go down with the ship. Let that which is destined to become the past slip away.
    Believe that the real you is that which beckons from the future. If it is a sadder you, it will be a wiser one.
    And dawn will follow the darkness sooner or later. Rebirth can never come without death.” ― Robert M. Price  

    I couldn't have said it any better. I'm finally taking the step, to choose life, to live instead of die inside.
    My dawn has come, and although the past is always going to be there, {the well hidden scars of abuse, and tormenting thoughts of insignificance}
    I'm getting stronger, wiser. I'm the sunflower, growing, a bit crooked from wind and storms, weighted with past haunts, scars 
    seen and unseen that reach deep. I've dug deeply down to my roots, I am finding that inner strength, the blood of my warrior ancestors ;}


    I will struggle no matter what to turn to face the light and warmth of the sun, unconditional love, and my gentle source,
    be it Creator, Great Spirit, God, Goddess, whomever you believe in.. Life is one hell of a bumpy, terrifying ride,
    but its worth it, deep down, we all know it. It's just a matter of reaching deep, rediscovering who you are beneath it all,
    beneath the mask, beneath the false fronts we all have, the many faces, and reconnecting to source and who you are.
    We all have faults, we all have scars, they aren't always visible, but they are there. They need love too.
    Not just the pretty parts we show everyone. I cannot be anything other than the raw, beautiful, ugly at times,
    highly emotional *ME*

    As they say, I'd rather be hated for who I am, then loved for what I am not.

    /end thoughts/ at least for now ;}

  • Comming back..

    Just a note for those who check in on me every once in a while here at xanga.

    I've been absent for a while now.

    My Husband passed away unexpectedly, here at home with the kids and I on Wednesday, Feb. 6th.

    I have been trying to find my way back to the living.. and trying to adjust (not too well) to being on my own,
    being a Widow at 40. Something I never thought would happen. Not this young. Not yet.

    So, well, I'm here. I'm ok. Unless you mean mentally - in that case, I'm here and there and everywhere ;)

    I look forward to catching up on my reading here. I hope you have been well!

    ~Rhonda~