from my private journal... written 3 days ago..

I choose -

To live by choice ~ not by chance.

To be motivated ~ not manipulated.

To be useful ~ not used.

To make changes ~ not excuses.

To excel ~ not compete.

I choose self-esteem ~ not self-pity.

I choose to listen to my inner voice, not to the random opinions of others.

 

---

 

It is not easy to live life sometimes, and face the world with a smile when you're crying inside.
It takes a lot of courage to reach down inside, hold on to that strength that's {amazingly} still there, and know that tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities.  
Just because I fell apart doesn't mean I'm broken.  Have Faith and don't give up on me.

No matter how much I think, believe, or how much I love, trust or confide in another,
I always end up alone. That person moves on, runs off, gives up, whatever the case may be. It
always boils down to a one-sided problem, with no accountability at all on the others' part. I'm just fed bull-shit and kept in
the dark.. So tired of putting myself out there and getting shit on. So tired of it. I guess all I can say is, lesson learned,
a much harsher, stronger, and hurtful way this time, I let down my guard too much, but I learned. As always the only person I should ever,
and will ever trust is SELF. People are phony, pretty {in some cases handsome} liars with the best of intentions. However, they never follow through.
Instead, its just sweet-talk until they have their fill. Then comes the blame game. The stupid, arrogant, blame game,
a battle of wits, wills, and opinions, wherein there is no seeing eye-to-eye. It's only "one way" or its the highway, no trying to stick it out,
no trying to see from another point of view, just a snap of the fingers and you're out. .. Like I didn't mean a damn thing.
I'm tired of fighting a losing game. I thought it was for real, and I was an idiot for dropping my guard, and *that* is what has me depressed.
I've come to realize you are done playing. I got the message loud and clear.

I am the Master of Myself, and I know what I need. I have taken care of myself for 40 years.
I have looked evil in the face, I have bled, hurt, and hid from the world, and I have always made it through. I know I have what it takes.
I am not perfect, I will never be perfect. I am not in-shape, model skinny, or look good in a bathing suit, but I have something most of those
other women will *never* have - strength and courage - I have survived more than what their pretty little heads could even imagine, I have lived
through what they fear most, I have survived what they would only cower and buckle under.

I was worth the wait. I am a challenge, and I am very protective of self, for good reason, but I assure you, I was worth it. 
I haven't changed, the only thing that's changed, is what I will and will not share. I can handle and overcome my pain, but those I share it with, cannot.
I may have been born to suffer, but I have the inner strength of a warrior woman and I will survive. 
/the end/

I'm going to change my blog. Everything. The name, the look, the feel. Its time.

Give me a few days, and I'll have it reflecting me better. In the symbolic way that I can. As always,

whether its a blog, journal, website, it *must* or at least *should*

be a reflection of who you are, so that those who don't know you,

will feel you and know you by your gentle presence online.

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Thoughts & Quotes for today ~

Seven Wonders of the human ~

1. to see
2. to hear
3. to touch
4. to taste
5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and to love

Those who are able to rise above their troubles, often find out how trivial many of them are.

Sometimes it is in our darkest spaces, that we find the true source of our light and find the strength within to keep going.

The key to the ability to change is a changeless sense of who you are, what you are about and what you value. – Stephen R. Covey

No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change. – Barbara de Angelis

If we all did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves. – Thomas Edison

First we make our habits, then our habits make us. – Charles C. Noble.

Mind over mattress - wake early when all you want to do is sleep.

Remember, we all stumble, every one of us.  That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand. – Emily Kimbrough

Love the life you have - not the one you think you want.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. - Victor Frankl

See you in a few days.. Off to the graphics designing.. to come up with something good and captivating!

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