amidst the cool evening fog
stands a woman alone
her hair long and soft as down feathers
her face as young
and innocent as the fawns of the forest
pale soft skin
reminding me of the finest porcelain
tears glide down her delicate skin, tickling her lips
she gazes up to the sky...
as if looking for a reason
an answer
a sign

looking up at the large night sky
so many stars, so small yet so bright
such beauty painted delicately
as if by a artists brush
each one unique
yet just as breathtaking
I feel so small
like one grain of sand
amidst miles of shoreline
her mind wanders..
emotions flow through her
like the gentle rhythm of the sea
why must I feel so much emotion
are you up there divine one
have you time for me?

Her eyes closing
as she feels the cool wind
blow through her long hair
whishing it around her face
like a horses main
it flows wildly in the winds
the cold bricks of the street
shimmering with the starlight
as if covered in glaze
beneath her bare feet
its like spirits are amidst the winds

her mind wanders again...
why do you let such things happen
why must the innocent suffer
why must they feel the hands of anger
the pain, the abuse I've seen
I've heard and witnessed
and even felt
leaves me feeling lost inside
where does my anger go
where do I cast it out
where does the pain go
will it ever leave me be

grasping her long gown in her hands
she lowers herself to the street
kneeling with her knees
on the cool bricks below
she looks around
run down buildings
broken windows
broken dreams and lives
the remnants of an old fire
a place where beauty and life
family and friends
once flourished
now it stands quiet as the leaves
standing still in the calm of the storm

breathing deep into her,
the damp night air
feeling so much
yet knowing so little
needing so much
yet receiving so little

all she hears
in the quiet of the night
is the rhythmic beating of her heart
that sings her to sleep at night

all she feels this night...
are emotions that dig and claw at her soul
like a pack of wolves at a fresh meals kill

closing her eyes
her dreams speak to her again
softly whispering
how to heal and mend
closing her eyes for a moment
she reflects back
to a time of greeting
the fresh morning air
the dew covered grass
glistening like little gems
feeling the grass caress
her bare feet
like the feathers of a bird
the dew tickling her toes
as it washes them clean
laughing and smiling
no cares, no sorrows
only full of
Wishes for tomorrow.

~Copyright

Ever feel like you wear a mask..
never revealing who you are, keeping hidden those deeper parts of yourself

Ever feel as though all color is gone in your world
like all hope is gone,
no god, no help, just void of everything
the only thing real is your inner turmoil,
your pain, your deep aching desire for the basic
desire of feeling connected to someone, something..

feel like you've been in a world of darkness
for so long, you don't know how to claw your way out
feeling so helpless, insanity-bound, and weak
feeling like your very soul has been ripped apart
drown in misery, solitude and utter hopelessness
seeing the peering of light slowly dissipate
fearing it's too late to make the climb now
fearing the very light you've climbed for
so scared of the darkness,
and the light..

alone, so alone..

mentally, physically, spiritually

alone

fearing the tides of fate that brought you here

knowing deep down, it is best

fearing it will be the death of you..

i do not wish to die

yet in many ways, I am already dead..

because no one really sees me

my existence is but an illusion

a beautiful lie

a cloak

of protection

~rambles~ 01102013

just for today,

love me

even if it's a lie

tell me I'm beautiful

just for today

I'd like to be noticed

even if you don't mean it

tell me you want me, desire me

just for today

make me feel alive,

make me feel beautiful,

worthy

just for today

kiss me like you mean it

full, deep, intense

make love to me, now

open and see what lies beneath this

flowing red hair, and gentle blue eyes

a wounded, hurting soul

that aches for more,

so much more then what

I've always been dealt..

Wake me up. Before it's too late.

~written by me~ 01092013

I have trust issues. I’m sure you've noticed..
I don’t admit that, except on rare occasions..
Opening up, sharing my "feelings" is dropping my guard.
It's opening up, saying "here is my weakness" ..
To trust, to open that door that points inward, is really hard to do!
It is even harder to explain to someone who has never "been there" nor experienced similar experiences. 
Those non-trusting instincts are there, always..

Just beneath the surface, its there lurking.. its like a cartoon battle of good & evil characters on my shoulders,
constantly arguing with each other.

I’m pretty good at appearing to be trusting. A smile, a polite "yes, Thanks"
I nod my head when people say they love me, or care about me, or will pray for me. I smile,
and act like I trust they will.  But deep inside, in the quiet places I try to never go, or talk about,
I doubt everything.. I doubt everyone.. I can't help it, it's there. Always.

So, how do you get "over" trust issues?

How do you learn to trust again? Just do it? Ignore the pessimistic dialog within?

Or just keep pluggin' along, faking it till you make it?

You know that there is more to life than pain and suffering. You know it in your deepest, deepest being,
you know that you know that you know that there is more to life than what you’ve experienced.
So quit hiding from yourself, quit running from your past, quit ignoring the so-called demons hiding in the dark, lurking in the shadows,
waiting to pounce on you and eat you alive. That is your shadow standing there calling to you, saying “come closer”.
Venture into the darkness of yourself. Own what hides there. Be courageous; look into the dark,
for the wisdom of your soul holds a flame of light which will show you the truth, and
reveal to you the hidden treasures lurking within the illusion of dark.
For it is only the idea of the monsters in the dark which you run away from,
which very cleverly distract you, and lead you away from the treasures which lie behind those monsters.

Think of all the fairytales and the stories that many have written,
and how many times have these stories presented the message that when you have to go into those dangerous hidden realms,
into secret caverns, into remote islands, having to fight your way through jungles, having to overcome the demons in the forests and in the jungles,
yet when you have harnessed the truth and you have slayed those demons, suddenly you find yourself within a magnificent cavern filled with infinite amounts of treasure.
Do you see how even the storytellers, whether they are conscious of it or not, have for eons of time been saying the same thing.
Face your demons. Look into the dark. Face the darkness and the light will reveal itself.

You will rise above your fate in ways that you never imagined, because you are now seeing your life with open eyes,
no longer shrouded by the illusion of the underworld. When things are underground, they are unconscious,
they are hidden within the darkness. So when you understand yourself, when you are ready to take the truth in hand,
and to get over your guilt, your shame, your fear of failure, or whatever else it is, the fear of facing the truth of yourself,
then you step into the underworld in a different way. This time you are carrying a torch of light with you, and you become Indiana Jones,
and you discover the treasure, and you rise from the underworld into the mansions, which contain the treasures of your destiny.

Know that this is yet another level of the turning of the tides,
another way of seeing yourself,
another doorway beyond the paradigm of paralysis,
of delusion, of illusion, of debilitation, and
now it is your call.

In the meantime, continue to know that the many invisible arms that hold you are ever present.
The many invisible hearts that love you are unconditional; for we are with you in all ways, always,
and never are you alone, for we are all one.

May the light of truth continue to open your eyes to yourself, and may you be at peace.

the following is from my offline, personal journal.. sharing a little bit

Through the years, I have wasted time, tears, and energy on being a victim, wallowing in self-pity, engrossed and self-absorbed in the traumas of my past. But, I now know that what I focus on will help to create my future. The truth is what sets you free. Denying my past, burying it or denying it will not give me peace. I am developing the inner strength and courage to revisit those memories and to see their purpose, to take the gift from it and to step forward, to leave it in the past and to create a better future for myself.  They say that the journey of life is about transformation. The journey of transformation, a reformation of self, is about dying to the old ways and rising like the Phoenix and stepping into a new world. As Bear Heart said  “there are many types of death, one need not die a physical death in order to die.“ So I take it on {my death} with both hands. There are no more excuses to say that my prayers have fallen on deaf ears, to say that I am alone in this world. My support is not always going to come from physical sources, I’ve come to realize this. I have the spiritual world in my presence all the time. I will not measure the quality of my worth or happiness based on how others treat me. I will measure it based on how I treat myself and how much effort I am willing to put into rising above my fate and taking on my destiny. By opening my eyes to the truth and taking myself on - to rise like the Phoenix and live my life authentically.

.. end of sharing .. for now.. just a snipplet

Trying something new..

Set my writing to pics and music.. a amateur/beginner video lol

Hope you enjoy.. 

Sometimes those who claim to love you can hurt you the deepest and the most.

Because they know your weakness, your insecurities, and can use them as a sharp pointed sarcastic or insulting statement against you.

Wow.

That hurt. I really wasn't expecting that.

I'm fascinated and enthralled by the way a hug can take your breath away.
Often more intimate than a kiss, more comforting than words, a hug is my favorite form of closeness.
A hug protects and supports.
A hug allows two to become one in joyous, overwhelming love.
A hug is a full expression of happiness.

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us,
we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures,
have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.
The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion,
who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing,
not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness,
that is a friend who cares.”

~ Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey

On many nights, that's just what I ache for, to be held, no words, no agenda, just being held.
To feel that closeness, comfort, and safety... The warmth of body heat, the gentle soothing sound
of his breathing.. the rythm of his heartbeat in my ear, as my head rests on his chest, and he
runs his fingers through my hair softly.. Healing, comforting, needed. That sense of touch, of belonging, being needed..

and so ends my little thought bubble for tonight..

Ok so it's me.. and it's a goofy pic.. and yes, I lightened it

Today's entry. The flip side of things. Tried to be all positve in this "ramble"

As they say ~ here goes 'nothin..

From darkness into light.
I feel deeply, therefore I love deeply.
I'd do anything for those I love.
To trust takes a lot of strength and faith for me.
I do not give my trust, my loyalty, or my Love freely.
It's a rare gift, as cliche as that sounds, it really is for me.
I am strong.
I have been to hell, it does exist here on earth.
I have seen the face of evil reflected in a human.
I survived to tell the tale, although I have yet to tell it fully.
I am a survivor, I am no longer a victim.
I am loveable.
I am not damaged, I am scarred.
Even roses have their thorns.
I am beautiful, even if I don't fit societies labels of 'beauty'.
I am unique.
I am a deep thinker.
I over-analyze. Overreact. Feel deeply.
I can't half-ass things, it's not in me to do so.
I question everything, yet I know nothing.
I am intelligent, yet ignorant with many things.
I am afraid of change, yet I am up to the challenge.
I am wild, free-spirited, and un-tame.
Yet quiet, reserved, and withdrawn.
I believe. Desire. Dream.
Dreams do come true.
Knights do exist. Only they wear clothes not armor
There is something more - "out there" beyond the walls I've built.
I am not crazy.
I am worth it.
I am real.
I have the ability .. to fly ..
I see a light, albeit small, it's there, and I am slowly opening up more.
I will not fear that which I do not know.
I will not die an unlived life.
I want more.
I deserve more.
Its not selfish to be true to yourself.
"To thine own self, be true"
There is more than one way, one truth, and more than one path to walk in this life.

*deep sigh*

Not Intrigued With Evening

What the material world values does

not shine the same in the truth of the soul. 

You have been interested in your shadow. 

Look instead directly at the sun. 

What can we know by just

watching the time-and-space shapes of each other? 

Someone half awake in the night sees imaginary dangers;

the morning star rises;

the horizon grows defined;

people become friends in a moving caravan. 

Night birds may think

daybreak a kind of darkness,

because that's all they know. 

It's a fortunate bird who's not intrigued with evening,

who flies in the sun we call Shams.

From: Soul of Rumi  by Coleman Barks

Sensitivity and Pain  

To live requires energy and fearlessness, but we are brought up in a pleasure-hunting human race,
and pain is something to be afraid of, to be driven away completely, to protect oneself from.  

But it is the pain and pleasure – the duality - together that make the whole, the wholeness of life.  

The more sensitive you are and the more you live from the depth of your being, the more vulnerable you are to life.  

The more sensitive you are and the more capable of loving human beings,
the more you will be hurt; there is more sorrow, there is more pain.  

Psychological hurts, pain and sorrow accompany the sensitivity, intelligence and love.
Love and sorrow go together.  

So, if there is physical or psychological pain, you live with it -
not out of despair, not out of self-pity, not out of any weakness. 

You live with it because it is part of life, it is an expression of life.  

Written by ~ Vimala Thakar

Beautiful, aren't they?

The Cowboy In Me {lyrics}

I don't know why I act the way I do
Like I ain't got a single thing to lose
Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy
I guess that's just the cowboy in me

I got a life that most would love to have
But sometimes I still wake up fightin' mad
At where this road I'm heading down might lead
I guess that's just the cowboy in me

The urge to run, the restlessness
The heart of stone I sometimes get
The things I've done for foolish pride
The me that's never satisfied
The face that's in the mirror when I don't like what I see
I guess that's just the cowboy in me 

The urge to run, the restlessness
The heart of stone I sometimes get
The things I've done for foolish pride
The me that's never satisfied
The face that's in the mirror when I don't like what I see
I guess that's just the cowboy in me

Girl I know there's times you must have thought
There ain't a line you've drawn I haven't crossed
But you set your mind to see this love on through
I guess that's just the cowboy in you

We ride and never worry about the fall
I guess that's just the cowboy in us all..

Lovely song, and fitting lyrics, whether it's a cowboy or a cowgirl ;}
I've had it 'stuck' in my head most of the day after hearing it on the radio..

Lyrics from : http://www.elyrics.net/read/t/tim-mcGraw-lyrics/the-cowboy-in-me-lyrics.html