ever feel like u could just disappear

&

no one would even notice,

or give a shit ..

cause you feel just that insignificant..

yup..

 I want your sun to reach my raindrops,  So your heat can raise my soul upward like a cloud.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I am the smile that beckons you to come  
I am the blank page that sits before you  
I am the salty tears of lifes betrayal  
I am the goosebumps spread across your skin  
I am the faded memory of loves attention  
I am the sleeping beauty before you  
I am the wind that enfolds you at the oceans edge  
I am the antique that sets enclosed in glass  
I am the lone warrior in the distance  
I am .. unknown .. undiscovered ..  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

wandering thoughts and images that appear  
of things once held dear  
connections broken, lives lost  
realization of motto: trust no one but self  
rewinding film in my mind  
slowly it plays  
of dreams dissipated, of hopes and fears  
childhood dreams faded in the blink of an eye  
as waves of harsh reality cut like a knife  
innocence lost, stolen, taken  
eyes sharp, pierce like a pin
angered voices, harsh hands  
fading dreams, hopes, aspirations  
crash to the floor like broken glass  
screams echo across the land  
like the howl of a lone wolf in the distance  
closed lids, sealed with tears  
blankets wrapped as tight as knots  
hello
are you there,
can you hear me,
can't you see  
sounds of my heartbeat echo within my ears  
no answer, no hand to hold, no one to comfort, no love embraces me  
alone am I, whence comes my peace  
whispered softly in the confines of my mind  
does it really exist..
do I really exist  
am I alive, or simply drifting by  
long eye lashes flutter like wings of a butterly  
yet again drowned in salty tears  
as I dimly fade  
colorful, charming world of beauty  
only in my world of dreams..  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

when all you've done is hurt -
when all people have done is leave -
when all the world seems to just pass you by -
when all you want is to feel alive -
when all they did was lie to make you believe -
then laugh as they watched you leave -
when life seems to bitter to choke down -
when you laugh and smile, when all you want to do is cry -
when you feel worthless and ugly -
when you feel insignificant and unnoticed -
when you look around in silence -
when you scream into the night -
"whence comes my peace"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

To know the value of generosity, it is necessary to have suffered from the cold indifference of others.

.. and that's a wrap .. all written by me Hope you enjoyed, and they make you think.

As always, there is a lot of symbolism and inner meanings to my writing. It's just as complex as me

I danced under the moons soft glow,
listened to the soothing waves
as they lapped on the shore
I tied a ribbon to a bottle
made a wish on the first star I seen
heard the whispering of the wind
through the trees in the distance
I felt a thirst for something more
seen the fire glow in your eyes
fell asleep on your chest
your strong arms around me
feeling so safe, guarded
I awoke to your beautiful kisses
felt the strength of your passion
the thunder of your loving
You are the only one
who ever really knew
the real me..

~Written by me 06142012

The following is a Snipplet from my 'files'.. This is interpreted from Edgar Cayce's teachings

Thoughts on Oneness, Religion, and humanity..

One of the great ironies of human nature is the fact that the very structure
intended to enrich our relationship with God is the one thing which divides
us most as a human family. For countless eons, more wars have been fought on
religious principles than for any other reason. Even to this day, wars,
bloodshed, political battles, and countless examples of our inhumanity to one another
are commonplace as one group tries to instill (or enforce) its belief
systems, its politics, or the supremacy of its God onto the lives of others.

These conflicts are not simply between various religions but are also within
each denomination. There are sects within Christianity, Buddhism, Judaism,
Hinduism, Islam-within every religion!-many convinced that they are just a
little more right than anyone else. Even various churches, temples, and
synagogues have found differences with other members of their own sect who
have somehow fallen away from the "original" or the "true" faith.

In addition to separating people from one another, these conflicts have also
caused individuals to become disillusioned with religion-some even becoming
convinced that religion is a waste of time. Too often, the result has been
that people have given up their faith in God because of their disappointment
in humankind.

Regardless of the name we call God or the religion on earth that we
feel drawn to, there is but one Creator, one Source, one Law.

Oneness as a force implies that all things are interrelated. Every one of us
has a connection to one another, the earth, the universe, and to God. This
one force is a force for good which is attempting to bring the spirituality
of the Creator into the earth. 
In terms of spirituality, the concept of oneness suggests that God is not
limited to expressing through one religion alone. Instead, the Creator
manifests in individuals' lives because of their faith and because of their
relationship to the spiritual Source, not because of their specific
religion.

Thoughts?

Try to think of some words to describe myself simply.. Sensual, sexual, sensitive, yet strong, loving, intelligent, humorous.. How would you describe yourself?

Revisiting some older writings.. I'd have to say this one always puts some romantic pictures in my head.
Deep down, I'm an incredible romantic, gotta love a strong man with strong loving

Driving along my thoughts wander thinking of you
remembering the last time we were together

candelight dancing off the white walls of your living room
the fire casting a glow across your face
as we sat and talked for what seemed like hours
you were so passionate about so many things
i never wanted to leave
the way your eyes seemed to shine
 as thought they were lit from within
resting my head on your shoulder while you talked
about your dreams and your fantasies
hearing the gentle beating of your heart
running my hands along your chest
thinking of how lucky I am to be yours and yours alone
feeling your hand as it rested upon my lower back so gently
feeling so safe and secure in that moment
you are my knight in armor
I am the luckiest woman to have your love
reaching up and stroking the side of your face
while gazing into your burning eyes,
with soft full lips painted a delicate shade of red
 I tell you how much you amaze me
feeling your hand as it reaches over
you grasp my chin with your fingers and smile that sweet seductive smile
leaning your face closer to mine
our eyes never parting
we kiss slow and passionately
as we fall upon the soft plush carpet
your body falling upon mine
your kisses as they dance upon my unclothed skin
your hands roaming, exploring each curve of mine
sending me into passions and pleasure heights I've never had before
you are so deliciously divine...

Better out than in - verbal vomit in progress - just feel like letting it out - people can be so down-right cruel, ignorant, transparent, with illusions of grandeur..
makes me wanna just go on a bitch-slap rampage lol

I get so fed up with bullshit.. seems to be everywhere lately *sigh*

Some of my biggest pet peeves are:
1. Busy-bodies
(those who have dull boring lives, dislike themselves, and make shit up to gain attention or some sort of wrongfully perceived 'status')
2. Rumor-vines - a.k.a. Grapevines -  that run rampant through places
3. Disrespecting those who may be different than you, whether its social, intellectual or spiritual differences (or friendship differences)
4. Favoritism
5. Backstabbing (I'm your best friend but only when I'm talking to you. When I'm talking to someone else, you're shit on my shoe)
6. Different rules depending on who you do or don't like, or on your mood - whether its good or not,
and what you may have "heard" through 'oh so trusting' grapevine of rumors and bullshit.

Yup, that kinda sums it up for now.

People in positions of power such as supervisors, leaders, etc. Should NEVER say they will punch an employee - while talking to another employee. Should NEVER get involved in childish gossip. NEVER talk 'trash' about an employee to that employees fellow peers. NEVER talk bullshit, or bullying tactics- about an employee (to an employee) within ear-shot of *that* employee.

That is EXACTLY the kind of thing that is PROVEN to lead people over the edge to suicide, depression, aggression, work-place violence, and a chaotic, 'hostile' (even if it is just words) workplace.

Isn't that EXACTLY the same thing we are trying to prevent in our Schools?

Grow the fuck up people!!!

THINK

Use your brain for something other than a hat rack or hair spray holder.

/end/ thoughts for tonight...

Oh, almost forgot - anyone have twitter? You can find me at http://twitter.com/rhonda.hhonda

I don't update this as often as I should. I don't write as much as I used to. I'm not really sure why. Seems I've been hit, hell, beat up by the "drawing a blank" slash "writers block" lol

Life seems to have thrown piles of shit on me lately. Feel like I'm spiraling towards that depression again. So hard to snap out of it when everywhere I turn, everywhere I look, and everything I do seems to remind me of the hell I went through in the past with him.. Hell, it slaps me in the face with a strong hand.. Maybe its midlife crisis? Nah, that'd be to simple. I sure as hell know *nothing* is simple in my life, never has been lol.

Damn it. Feel so blah. Like I am just going through the motions of living, but not actually *living*.

I ache to feel something real. Real emotions given instead of lip-service. Recognition - a nice "thank you" or hey "nice job" would be nice once in a while. Ever feel like the invisible one? Like everything you do, and everything you strive for, achieve, is just "invisible".. Waving hands in the air, yelling "HEY - I AM RIGHT HERE" and no one even sees... yup, that's how I'm feeling. The familiar roller-coaster ride of emotions, low, high, in-between.. confused, alone, lonely, sometimes even desperation peaks.. Is this what it's like to have clinical depression? It's like life has lost its purpose for me. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, all those familiar clichès. Or perhaps it's because I've grown 'numb' to the things around me. I don't know. I do know I can't stand it. I find it so easy to help others, and easily see their issues & even feel them sometimes (pain in the ass being an empath). Yet, I find it extremely difficult to turn the mirror on myself. Although I do see my issues, and I know how I can fix them, and be happy - I cannot bring myself to do so. I end up thinking of the other-side's perspective. Then I feel guilt, or like I'm being selfish. But is it? I toss it around in my head like someone playing catch with a wall. I toss the ball, it hits, and just bounces back to me - only for me to toss it at the wall again. Stuck in a rut. Stuck on stupid. Stuck on the highway to hell lol. Probably confusing the hell outta anyone reading this *sigh* Well, I'd explain further and in more vivid details, but, it is a quite personal problem that I am not willing to just air in "public". For those of you who know me, you'll know just what I'm talking about.

.. rambling thoughts for now.. maybe I'll update later.

To sum it all up in a quote - "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you *feel* all alone. ~ Robin Williams 

I couldn't have said it any better myself.

Never apologize for what you feel.
It is okay to be sensitive. It is okay to be "Emotional"
It is okay to to be sad, afraid or uncertain.
It's okay to cry.
It doesn't mean you are being negative.
It doesn't mean you are weak.
It takes great courage to be able to understand;
Accept and acknowledge what you feel.
Only then you can Face it, disempower it - and Let it go.
Never suppress your feelings because you are too afraid of
what others will "Think" of you.
You can Choose to make Positive Choices.
And Change your "Response-ablity" to your Feelings.
And Transform them into a Beautiful, Positive Power.
Beyond anything you have ever imagined.
You are stronger than you think.
Let the Love and Peace inside you, awaken.
Let Begin to Heal you.
Love yourself and have Faith in your Journey.
Life is waiting ... ♥
~ © Kiran Shaikh 2012

I really needed this today..

Feel like stomping and having a pity party for myself.. *sigh*

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
 and remember what peace there may be in silence.
 As far as possible without surrender
 be on good terms with all persons.
 Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
 and listen to others,
 even the dull and the ignorant;
 they too have their story.
 Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
 they are vexatious to the spirit.
 If you compare yourself with others,
 you may become vain and bitter;
 for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
 Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
 Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
 it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
 Exercise caution in your business affairs;
 for the world is full of trickery.
 But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
 many persons strive for high ideals;
 and everywhere life is full of heroism.
 Be yourself.
 Especially, do not feign affection.
 Neither be cynical about love;
 for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
 it is as perennial as the grass.
 Take kindly the counsel of the years,
 gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
 Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
 But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
 Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
 Beyond a wholesome discipline,
 be gentle with yourself.
 You are a child of the universe,
 no less than the trees and the stars;
 you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
 no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
 Therefore be at peace with the Divine,
 whatever you conceive it to be,
 and whatever your labors and aspirations,
 in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
 With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
 it is still a beautiful world.
 Be cheerful.
 Strive to be happy.
 
(Max Ehrmann - 1872-1945)

A time comes in your life when you finally get it when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out ENOUGH! fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your Awakening You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and in the real world there aren't always Fairy Tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact you are not perfect and not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are, and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties, and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the things you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, and how much you should weigh, what you should wear, and where you should shop, and what you should drive, how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn it is truly in giving that we receive. And there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn you don't know everything, its not your job to save the world and you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn just as people grow and change so it is with love and you learn you don't have the right to demand love on your terms just to make you happy. You learn that alone does not mean lonely And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK.and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with her or his touch and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn anything worth achieving is worth working for and wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn no one is punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state the ego. You learn negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and with faith by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

"gift" Source Unknown

~Ever feel like that?~ Stuck insdie a little teapot, waiting, hoping, wishing for someone to come along and
let you out so you can experience the world & all its beauty..

I do.

Go deeper
Past thoughts into silence 
Past silence into stillness
Past stillness into the heart
Let love consume all that is left of you..

Not much to share tonight.. I am feeling quite sick & not very creative, with words or with my jewelry

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

First & foremost, let me say that I mean no offense to anyone with this posting, it is my opinion only.

I sat on the couch, working on a necklace, and listening to the tv. The more I listened the more I wanted to roll my eyes and say "enough already" and follow it up with a sarcastic - "are you kidding me?!"

It was Whitney Houston's death & upcoming funeral, dominating the entire show. I loved her music, she was extremely talented, and gave me those goosebumps of "wow" with some of her songs. However, aren't we going a bit far? Does the family really have to be so extravagant on her funeral? Really? Why is it with our society, we feel the need to do more, bigger, far more outlandish things when a person dies, then we do for the persons life, or celebrations? Does it really matter in the end? Where was all that love and support when she was alive, and needed it?

Its like people are saying, I'm feeling guilt. Or, I want to show off how much I loved you by spending lots of money, and having the biggest funeral ever! Again, does it really matter?

I've been to large funerals, and I've been to small ones. I've seen extravagance, and I've seen simplicity. Neither outweighs the other. They both meant everything. I didn't care how many flowers were there, what people wore, or how the casket looked. No one stood around talking about how nice the casket looked, or how much the funeral cost. The deceased was the star, the center of attention, the reason we were all there. A celebration of a life. A celebration of love. We talked about what we loved, what we enjoyed, what we learned from that person. That was what mattered, and what was most important. A time of remembering, mourning together, and seeing our loved one for one last time, to say Good-bye, and remind ourselves what that person meant to us, and what we'd learned from him/her.

I want to die like I was born. Peaceful, without a lot of craziness. I want simplicity. I want only those who truly loved me to be there. I don't want people to go, just because it's the thing to do. I want natural. Lay me down in an open field, where the grass is tall and overgrown, beautiful as it was meant to be. I want dandelions, I don't care if they are considered a weed, I like them. I want wide open space, I want a large oak tree. Maybe even a white birch to grow atop me.

I want a green, natural, loving funeral. I want my loved ones to see me, love me, and give me to the earth to die naturally and simply. I want my death to fertilize the soil, I want it to be beautiful. When you visit me, I want serenity there. I want peacefulness. I want a hammock you can swing on while gazing down at a patch of the earth and say "this is her resting place" .. How beautiful it is, when you think about it, truly and honestly, to have your family and loved ones bury you tenderly and lovingly, just as they did when you were born. Dust to dust, from the earth we come, and to her we go. Natural burial means no embalming, no elaborate casket, just a body returning to the earth. The concept is quite biblical if you consider the beautiful simplicity of ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The natural end of all life is decomposition and decay, instead of fighting it just let the natural process play itself out.

Seems so much more natural, makes more sense to me, then to drag me to a large, cold church, where I probably never went. Put me in a coffin that's stuffy, probably will take too many years to rot, and give me a service that no one really listens to, because they are flooded with thoughts of me, wanting to touch me, hold me, to hear me laugh again. Drive me through the streets, on display like a parade, when I never liked to be on display, nor do I like crowds Then lower me 6ft under, where you feel so separated from me, like I'm gone forever.

Why not lay me down at a spot I loved, a place I chose because it "felt right" and was peaceful. Why not cover me with love and care, as you talk to me and tell me how much you think of me. Why not?

Maybe you think I'm crazy. You won't be the first one, nor will you be the last Death should not be something cold and extravagant. Death should be a private, personal, and serene process. A calm and loving time, not one to be feared, rather, one to be understood. It's natural. It's expected, we all die one day, yes, no one lives forever. With all things in life, it's a matter of perspective, it's all in how you look at it, whether it's good or bad.