The following is Part I of an article I'm working on.. Submitted for you to read, maybe relate, and review/critique... Just be gentle with me

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Moving on, through, and past Abuse

*Hope*

Hope has saved everything when I wanted most to give up in despair.

How great a challenge for survivors of child abuse to learn to push against the door that opens inward, where our emotions, where faith and hope and trust abide.

Contrary to what many believe, if we are to make peace with our past abuse, we must first look within ourselves. We have to learn to forgive and know ourselves. In order to do this, we must quiet the mind. We must become aware of who we truly are. To know oneself is the greatest gift one can ever own. It gives you the peace you’ve been seeking all along. A peacefulness that no one else can offer, and one no one can ever take away.

The biggest thing we lose as victims of abuse - is ourselves. Growing up, I was taught to never show tears when beaten. To do so was a sign of weakness. To do so would cause more punishment for me. The adage of “be still or I will give you something to cry about.“ I learned at a tender age to watch and observe others, to always tread lightly whenever I spoke. I learned to manipulate how I felt, to fake my emotions, to prevent his anger. I learned through blindly agreeing, it kept me safe. Never voice your opinion - unless it matches his. Always agree. I learned to do as I was told, without question, without thought. Never to really have a mind of my own, nor thoughts of my own. To question what my step-father said was being sinful and disobedient. It was repeated numerous times growing up - to “not speak until spoken to.” That women were subservient to men. Men were the rulers, the bread winners, the king of the household.

As survivors, we tend to base our feelings, moods, or thoughts on what others think we should feel. We learn to manipulate our thoughts, or even manipulate others, to conform to how we perceive they should feel or act. A learned trait that is impossible for some to unlearn.

We tend to say “I am angry because you hurt me!!“ Although you may have been hurt, you create that emotion, and it is you that decides whether to hold that emotion, or to let it go and be free. Ask yourself, it this worth the harm to my center? Is it worth harboring anger? Nine times out of ten, you will find yourself saying “no.”

Freedom from our silent fears is not easy. To let go of those feelings, and break free emotionally from those who have abused us takes time and great strength. We must draw upon our inner, emotional strength. There are many ways to do this. We each must find our own way that feels right, and works for us. Most cling to their spirituality for comfort and strength. Others use a more relaxed approach such as yoga, meditation, or mantras. A belief in more than what meets the eyes, or as some call it the Great Spirit, Creator, Higher Self or higher power - is also a way to locate and find the center within ourselves.

What is the Center? The center is where the Great One resides. It is where balance resides. It is the core of whom we are. Its our inner strength, our core being, our one source.

Many of us find it very difficult to let go and move on. The anger, resentment, fears are all too familiar. We stay trapped, like a fly in a spiders web, to the hurt, trauma, the ‘unfair’ of our past. We need to learn to break free of this web, to realize that life IS change, and we must break free from the web and realize that these feelings, behaviors are keeping us in this web. so used to the familiarity of the web, we are in a sense addicted to these thought patterns, these experiences and how it makes us feel. We define ourselves by them. We need to realize that WE create our life, WE create the world around us, no one else does! We don’t need another’s opinion or stamp of approval to live our lives. By trying to change or “fix” the past, it prevents us from really living. We need to let go, truly let go of the past in order to move onward and forward in life. To accept and embrace change and flow with its possibilities. To do so gracefully, and with balance, trust and gratitude. We are not defined by our abuse, nor are we defined by the actions or words of our abuser.

*C*Copyright 4/2010

Ch-ch-ch-changes... just like the song that is running through my head right now..
I haven't been on here and updated in quite some time now. Seems I go in these little spurts of creativity and writing lately. I'll do so good for a while, and feel inspired, and then ----bleh!---- nothing. Reminds me of the Native beliefs that are so dear to my heart. "There are many kinds of death", says Bear Heart. Sometimes we need to die, or let things die out before a rebirth, an awakening can occur. How true this is!

So many little sayings for it. "The more things change, the more they stay the same." "What goes around, comes around." "Everything goes in circles, even life." I am constantly reminded of the wonder yet the similarities in life. The circle. Never ending, yet connected to other circles, a continually changing, growing, evolving living thing...

I see myself and my life circle, more like a tree. I compare the Wheel, the Circle of life to that of a tree. Of course, this only makes sense to those of you who understand or at least are knowledgeable of the Native beliefs/customs of the medicine wheel, the cirlce of life. Just what do I mean by my view? Just as we learn about the trees as children, when you cut one down,  you see the many rings (circles!) within it, each one represents a year of growth for the tree. Within this tree, a story unfolds as you look at each individual (yet connected) ring, you view stress, drought, anything that has effected this tree, but you also see the constant life the will to live, grow and thrive despite these uncontrollable difficulties that life throws at them. Just as we are. Although not quite as visible, we too grow and thrive and have many circles we complete in life. Each experience, each difficulty life throws at us leaves its mark, but doesn't stop our need, our will to survive and keep living.

Tree ring image Source

If you were to view your inner rings, what do you think they'd say? What would they look like?

©Copyright Colin Park and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence.

I even think I will change the look and feel of my site again. *sigh* I know! I know! I'm always changing it Guess I get bored with the same look all the time. I think it needs a more calm, muted look. Concentrate more on the content than the appearance *grin*

I'll be back! *wink* So long as you promise to miss me!

Blessings, ~Helena

 I did it again.. Updated the look of my weblog. Please let me know what you think!

My words to describe it:  soothing, relaxing, serene and romantic

Oh! Meant to add in my earlier entry today ~ my Facebook ~ if you'd like to add me ~ just make sure you say you're from xanga, or I'll end up clicking the Ignore button! http://www.facebook.com/rhonda.hhonda

Haven't been writing too much here lately. Been rather quiet mentally

I didn't want my site to get boring however, and have no updated content. I didn't want anyone to forget about me *grin* So here's a short and sweet entry just to keep me in your mind..

I'm impatiently awaiting springs arrival. I'm tried of the cold, the snow here and there, and the mud from it melting. I'm ready to walk barefoot in the morning and feel the fresh morning air on my skin, and the tickle of dew between my toes. I'm ready to hear the birds as they frolic and play, make nests and chow down at the bird feeders in my yard. I'm ready to stare into a homemade bonfire and just get lost in its dazzling flames... Roast some marshmallows, and tell stories and share laughs with friends and family. I'm ready .. I'm missing natures sweet touch.

Quote for today: "Well behaved women rarely make history"

So, I guess I'm going to run off and get into some mischief and misbehave!

Blessings, ~Helena

If we don't change, then we'll get bored.
The teachings will sound the same, connections will feel the same, people will look the same.
It's because the Light is bouncing off the same old barriers.
Today, break a barrier - in a way you haven't done before.

Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale. -- Gieselle C. Viera

My soul yearns for those who still believe in life's truths -

of honesty

of sincerity

compassion &

true friendship.

But Most of all .. ..

I long to know those few people who really know what love is and how to be a loving person.

I long for a place where people can get together and talk to one another about things that matter,
like being friends and caring about the dreams that we all believe in.

I long for a time when friendship and love are important and the best parts of our lives.

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We are surrounded by a loving and supportive universe. Everywhere we look there is guidance and assistance being offered us. It is strange that we can be so supported and yet feel alone. Perhaps it is only that we have taught ourselves to close our ears, eyes and minds to the greater realm of life around us.
There are many sources for this guidance, among them are angels, animal guides, friends and family who have passed over, spirit guides, etc. Each has a different frequency resonance that you can come to recognize with practice. All your guides are truly just your friends, no more, no less.
Strive to touch that which you cannot see... touch the unseen world around you..

How do you touch the unseen world around you? How do you stay grounded?

Not too much to share tonight. I've been rather quiet lately. My life needs a makeover lol. I'm in a rut, and drawing "blanks" when I go to write. *sigh* I hate the term writers block, but yeah, that's what it is...

I hope all my xanga friends are doing well & for those of you in the cold winter storms like me, I hope you are warm and comfy!

Blessings, ~Helena

I've updated the look of my site, getting ready for Spring!! I'm impatiently waiting its arrival..

I miss

the smell of fresh cut grass
dandelions popping up everywhere, with their fresh spring smell
dew tickling between my toes in the morning as I walk barefoot
warm winds carressing my skin
the warmth of the sun as it tenderly awakens my freckles
birds chirping and playing, nesting in the walnut tree in front of my door
the little hummingbirds drinking from the feeder outside my kitchen window
walks in the woods down the street, seeing the early awakening of the plants, trees and flowers, the sound of the water as the current carries it over the flat stones..

I love spring, it is my 2nd favorite season, next to Autumn ..

I'll be back later, if time permits, to write some more.. 

Blessings, ~Helena 

Story of my life... *grin* ~ "lost and dreaming" Do you dream? I dream seriously, every time I close my eyes. I have vivid dreams, not nightmares thankfully! Some make sense and others don't at all. I've been a dreamer as far back as I can remember. My parents told me that I'd dream as a young child and would amaze them with what I'd say that I seen. Not to get all freaky, but sometimes I would know things, that I really shouldn't have known, like events yet to happen. Ever do that?

<--- Pic of my Grandparents House. Where I grew up

Paranormal. Now there's a deep subject! Do you believe in the supernatural? Ghosts? Hauntings? Evil spirits? I do, and I have for many many years.. Since I was about 11 years old. How did I come to believe 110% in it? By living at my Grandparents house. There was a lot of activity there!! ALL of the family seen, heard and felt things there that to this day still have us baffled!!  Nothing worthy of a movie, or the Haunting tv show though. *smile* Then again, maybe? I remember this one ghost/spirit that would always appear to my sister and I. We'd wake up at night and see her just 'floating' (for lack of a better term) over our bed, watching us. The first time or two we seen her, if scared the hell out of us!! But, about the 3rd or so time, we realized she meant no harm, and was more like a Mother figure, a guardian... But there was also this other one, a man... we think may have not been so nicey-nicey. I remember one time, he really made himself known to me ~ I kid you not this is true ~ I came out of the room we called the purple room (my grandmother had the walls, the curtain, and bed dressings a light pastel shade of  purple) I reached for the long string to pull to turn on the hallway light over the stairs. I bumped into something, it wasn't like hitting a wall. It wasn't cold, or hard and flat. It was more like body temperature and uneven. Before realizing that it was a spirit, I said the automatic "oops sorry" then realized as I turned around - there was nothing there! I seen nothing. Yet I KNOW I bumped into someone!! I reached my hand out and waved it through the air, trying to feel, touch, bump something. Nothing. Gone. Just like that. A chill ran down my spine ~ yes, that really does happen when u get the shit scared out of you! I screamed and ran down the stairs probably in two steps, yelling "MOM! MOM! I bumped into something & nothing was there!!" and I wanted her to pray for me or something, anything to make me feel better. That was my biggest introduction to the paranormal... Sometimes I'd feel my bed shake, or like someone was sitting at the base of the bed by my legs too. Used to send chills down my body..

Anyway... what brings all this up? The movie The Haunting in Connecticut. Have you seen it yet? It will freak you out!! Expessially if you do believe like me that this sort of thing really does happen and can happen to anyone, anywhere and of course at anytime. This movie is based on a True Story. Of course there are a few add ons for the 'spook' effect, but 90% of it is true. Its a good movie, and I recommend it!
On the other hand, the move Paranormal Activity is ok. I'd say it's not quite as good at all. This movie is total fiction, all of it was made up for the sake of a spooky movie..

How spooked are you about 2012? Do you really think the world is going to end? I don't think it will be as bad as the History Channel shows. That's kinda freaky.. I was searching for some things to get my creative juices going today, and I bumped into this site for a psychic who has done a predition from now through to Dec. 21, 2012. I found it rather interesting, and also probable. I was rather surprised at his thoughts about Obama, and an attempted assasination.. Kinda wild. Of course, I've heard lots of people say that. That one is more like common rumor. I would say the probabilities of that are maybe a bit higher than for our former presidents. Why? Well, because even before he became president, before the election, back when he was just a candidate, he was the 1st Candidate to have Secret Service. All I can say is, I hope that it doesn't happen.

So, here is the link to that psychics prediction ~ you'll have to scroll about 1/4 way down the page to read it. http://www.psychicscott.com/oracle.htm

 Well, I think that sums up all the odds & ends in my head tonight..

G'night & Blessings, ~Helena

Seen this on TommyCrowwithWhiteFeathers site, and thought it seemed relaxing, interesting, and fun to do!
Enjoy!

If I were…

If I were a month, I would be October because I love Halloween & the many colors of the leaves in the trees.

If I were a day of the week, I would be Friday, everyone looks forward to me!

If I were a time of the day, I would be 6:00 am.

If I were a planet, I would be Venus, named after The Roman Goddess of love and beauty.

If I were a sea animal, I would be a Dophin, peaceful and attractive

If I were a direction, I would be East to rise with the sun, and warm you up.

If I were a piece of furniture, I would be a kitchen table because it brings people together.

If I were a liquid, I would be Water for its versatile properties -cook, clean, refresh, can't live without me!

If I were a gemstone, I would be a Amethyst my favorite color is purple, and its a healing gem too

If I were a tree, I would be a Willow, beautiful and quite flexible great for many uses, and there's a lot of legends & lore about 'em too.

If I were a tool, I would be a stud finder! LOL

If I were a flower, I would be a Lily, soft & delicate, yet strongly rooted.

If I were a kind of weather, I would be a gentle summer rain, there's just something romantic about rain.

If I were a musical instrument, I would be a guitar, I think the music they make is beautiful, and it brings people together - even in romantic ways

If I were a color, I would be Red - passionate.

If I were an emotion, I would be Serenity.

If I were a fruit, I would be a strawberry.

If I were a sound, I would be a beating heart.

If I were an element, I would be Wind.

If I were a car, I would be a "herbie the love bug" LOL

If I were a food, I would be honey (does that count?) if not, then a honeyed berry.

If I were a place, I would be fertile land in the woods - middle of nowhere, surrounded by beauty!

If I were a material, I would be silk, it feels great on the skin.

If I were a taste, I would be sweet and leave you asking for more! *grin* {like the honeyed berry breaking on the tongue, it's thick, soft, full of richness, how it lingers there}

If I were a scent, I would be lilac.

If I were an animal, I would be a pure black Panther, graceful, elegant, yet deadly when needed

If I were an object, I would be a teddy bear - I'd get lots of hugs!

If I were a body part, I would be eyes to behold the beauty of our world and the people, nature within it

If I were a facial expression, I would be a flirty smile.

If I were a pair of shoes, I would be comfy slippers.

What are you?

I'm actually sharing 4 writings today! Wow! There are two under protected posting, so for those trusted ones on that list, check beneath the protected entries

Tenderness

Entering the room I hear music playing
The room lit by candlelight
I love the soft sensual glow they give
You take my hand, so softly
"lets dance"

Your body next to mine
I want to just melt into you
I love being this close
I lean into your chest
feeling the touch - skin to skin
just drives me wild
the scent of your cologne
draws me into you
beckoning me
your hands slide
gently down my sides
I am so into you
I run my fingers
through the back of your hair
our bodies touching skin to skin
moving as though we are one
the feeling I can't describe
I feel so in-tune with you
The feel of your warm hands
holding so gently my hips as they sway
the feel of your gorgeous body
pressed firmly into mine
I feel so wanted
so desired
I begin to kiss your neck
shaking a little, like a shy school girl
my thoughts, my emotions
are so hard to control when I'm with you
Our lips meet ever so softly
and we kiss
In this moment, it is only you and I
and our bodies as they move as one.

Hold me, Love me

Come lay with me
in my bed
Hold me tightly

lay your head upon my chest
feeling the rise and fall as
I breathe
Breathe deep with me
Let me feel your breath
upon my skin
Tonight, I need you

let me run my fingers through your hair
show you that I care
let me lay my head upon your chest
as I look at you
you look deep within my delicate blue eyes
as you run your fingers through
my long red hair, I can't help it, I want to say..
please, hold me, love me
 
do you feel my emotions
or even see my loneliness
I feel so needy tonight
I just want to say..
Hold me, love me
 
Watching the candles
as they burn
the scent of lilacs in bloom
tickles my senses
flames of desire
burn deep within us
we have yet to give in to them
I just want to tell you..
Hold me, love me

Sliding up, I lean into you
resting my head upon your shoulder
feel my breath on your neck
the beating of my heart
on your chest
Hold me, love me
 
Make love to me
I need to feel
your embrace
I need to feel our union
I want to feel closer to you
lets make a memory..
Hold me, love me

slow and steady
tenderly and softly
like a feather to my skin
explore my every curve
let me satisfy my thirst for you
allow me to pleasure you
loving like you've never knew
lets make love tonight.. taking turns
using touch, taste, sight... diving deep
into our hunger, or thirst and our desire
'cause tonight we need each other
who knows, me may never have this chance again..

So, I ask you one last time... Hold me, love me

Hope you enjoyed! G'night & Blessings, ~Helena

They say that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
Beauty comes from within...
Everyone varies as to the perception of what beautiful is. Opinions differ. Yup.

My view ~ no matter how ugly ~ animal OR human ~ we all deserve to love and be loved.  Although, I must admit it'd take a while to get past the looks with a few of these animals! *grin*

So, here's some pictures worth a shiver or two, and a thousand words.. Just a little something different for my readers to enjoy ..

Looks like an ancient egyptian cat. Wow.

 
This would be me LOL Dude! Nuts? Who needs 'em? I'm sooo happy

*huge grin* I cannot resist temptation ~ I must say, that, if I were a bear - he'd definitely be my mate!!! ~ better yet, find me a man with a tongue like that, who also knows the art of "tongue - foo" and I'd be the most satisfied, biggest grinning woman on earth! LOL

Ok this is just not right. It's actually a sea cucumber. I don't know if I'll ever look at another cucumber the same! To me, its more like a potato without skin (an albino one?) lol

Now, if that cat hissed at me ~ I'd surely listen!!

I really don't know what to say here.

Don't know which is worse, her nails or the cat? lol

I think it's Mom had sex with a bat lol

Ohh, I can out-do that gecko dude, anyday!

Now, although different, they are kinda cute aren't they?

Ok, I think that's a wrap for tonight. Hope you enjoyed the show!!

Quote for the day -

Labors of peace, love, and justice are rarely recognized by our celebrity-obsessed media, and by extension most of us. Quiet resolve does not fill tents at the circus. Principle doesn’t make for a sexy photo. Selflessness, unless it is exhibited by heroes in the heat of a crisis, is often presented as weakness. Yet it is only the strongest among us who can stay true to a vision.

Blessings & love, ~Helena

As I stand before you
gazing into your deep blue eyes

I kiss to your soft lips
that beckon my name
in the throws of passion
I vow to be your love

with a kiss to your delicate hands
that softly soothe my fears
I vow to be your warmth

with a kiss to your breasts
that ignite my flame
I vow to give you passion
wild and untamed

with a kiss to your sensual vulva
that brings me such pleasure
I vow to be your lover, your 'master'

with another kiss to your lips
I vow to watch over you,
protect you and keep you safe
to respect you, your people
and your ways.

I will be your knight in armor
always ready to make love to you
wholly and completely
without restraint in life and love.

This is my oath to thee..

~Your Lover, Your 'Master', Your Friend~

my little side notes ... with a smile.. I'm not used to writing from a mans point of view, so sincerely I hope I did well! When I used the word "master" it was not in the negative way. In my view (in this) it is meant as master of love - like saying he's her "God" of love. He's a master at knowing what to do & how to do it for her in love and caretaking of her Not meant in the controlling, belittling, abusive manner it is sometimes used.

G'night everyone, sweet dreams ~Helena

Is it just me or do things all seem to be pointing to another terrorist thing/attack? Paranoia? Perhaps.. I just have had quite a few dreams lately and am feeling something  "in the air".. Hope its just my nerves and not sensing anything.. *sigh*

The following was written last night and this morning. My oldest sis is so in love, and I am so happy for her! She may be getting married later this year - and that's just amazing! Ever hear of a Handfasting? It's a Pagan Wedding Ceremony, and they can be quite beautiful. I've been reading up a lot about them, because that's what my sister would like to do. I would love to help write the ceremony, but I think they should probably do that themselves? Anyway, this is what I came up with - not for them really, but just something to write.. Not sure I like it. It doesn't seem to "flow" like most my other writings.. Better luck next time, right? *grin*

Well, such as it is... enjoy! 

OATH OF LOVE

Strong, sensual, vibrant lover -
With your clever fingers,
you have touched my soul.
With your love
you have touched my depths
With your passion
you've sustained my fiery desire
With your strength
you have protected and honored me.

The strength of our love is unique
we felt a call from within our core
that no one else could answer or heed to

As we stand toe to toe,
and we meet eye to eye.

with a kiss to your soft lips
that whisper my name
I will be your love

without shame, nor inhibitions
with a kiss to your hands
that carress my body
I will be your passion

with a kiss to your chest
that holds my love within
I will be your warmth

with a kiss to your phallus
that pleasures me
I will be your lover, your friend

With another kiss to your lips
I will be your Goddess
With my hand upon your heart
I  will respect thee, thy people, and thy ways
as I respect myself

I will be yours alone -
wholly and completely
without restraint in life and love.

This is my oath to thee...

~Your Lover, Your Goddess, Your Friend~