Being nice, patient, gentle people does not make us door mats.
Choosing to be the best person possible, regardless how others choose to behave means we are in control of ourselves rather than simply being the irresponsible, unconscious puppet of ego that is not capable of choosing our 'best' behavior. So, being in control of ourselves to create life with positive purpose actually makes *us* the powerful ones.

Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair but manifestations of strength and resolution. Choose your battles and arguments wisely, know when to strike & when to let things lay.
Let people and/or situations be as they will, don't allow your anger or disapproval to cling to you -
after all, it's just "stuff" When you allow the negative "stuff" to cling ~ it harms and affects YOU not them.
Let karma do the dirty work. Never underestimate the power of Karma.

Never take people at "face value" nor by whom they put down to build themselves up,
or how they try to impress with grandiose tales. View people by what they do, what their 'character' is, and how they treat others. Be still & observe. Then the real person will appear in full honesty.
Sometimes there are to many "wolves in sheeps clothing"

You can tell more about a person by what he or she says about others
than you can by what others say about him or her.

End thoughts. G'night & sweet dreams!!

wandering thoughts and images that appear
 of things once held dear
 connections broken, lives lost
 realization of motto: trust no one but self
 rewinding film in my mind
 slowly it plays
 of dreams dissipated, of hopes and fears
 childhood dreams faded in the blink of an eye
 as waves of harsh reality cut like a knife
 innocence lost, stolen, taken
 eyes sharp, pierce like a pin
 angered voices, harsh hands
 fading dreams, hopes, aspirations
 crash to the floor like broken glass
 screams echo across the land
 like the howl of a lone wolf in the distance
 closed lids, sealed with tears
 blankets wrapped as tight as knots
 hello, are you there,
can you hear me, can't you see
 sounds of my heartbeat echo within my ears
 no answer, no hand to hold,
no one to comfort, no love embraces me
 alone am I, whence comes my peace
 whispered softly in the confines of my mind
 does it really exist.. do I really exist
 am I alive, or simply drifting by
 long eye lashes flutter like wings of a butterly
 yet again drowned in salty tears
 as I dimly fade
 colorful, charming world of beauty
 only in my world of dreams..

~written by me~

(this is the picture I'm thinking of using for my new look!)

Never lose who you are. Never lose where you came from, the essense of you. Never allow others to rob you of your precious gifts.
 

In silence we feel, we know our beauty, our power, our strength. In silence we are perfection.

Think of the silence between words, that silence of mystery and magic, the silence of our soul, of our heart. That silence in which lovers know only that moment of incredible, awe-inspiring pureness of life and bliss, when time seems non-existant, and we breathe the high-altitude of incredible bliss.

I am reminded of these silent moments, the silent knowing and be-ing in which I exist. Its in the our silent breath, breathing to the rythm of what we feel, what we know. It's the silent power of the eyes. The silence of our pulse as the blood coarses through our bodies. It's the silence of our spirit world, that coexists with us at all times. The world of deeper knowing.

 
I am diving into this silence. I'm done with endless chatter, mindless emotions expressed through bad choices in words.. Done with that which does not sustain me, whether it be physical or mental, friendship or aquaintance. I feel the need to express myself more here on xanga, and less on other social networks. Xanga is for the deep, for those like me who cannot express themselves in short form lol. Xanga is for those who'd rather get deep down and talkative, debate, relax and share - rather than forward, copy and share a bunch of mindless pics, false alarms and drama lol. I guess xanga is for the mature at mind.

So, here I am. Once again. Starting with a blank page and a whole bunch of thoughts running around in my mind. Turning over the leaf. Turning the page. Breaking out the finger paints. Firing up the ole stale mind, caressing the inner writer within.. Why hello friends, have you some time for me?

 Thinking of that little girl fairy tale, that never seems to fade away. My Knight in shining armor, his white horse, me all dressed up like a Princess..

 Swoops me up and takes me away to a castle.

He makes me his. I surrender to him fully in love and in day-to-day life. I am comforted, treated well and supported in anything I take on, and most of all, protected and safe Happily Ever After.

So, does it really exist? Do you women still think about that fairy tale?

And for you men ~ what is the dream for you? A woman that's in need of rescue such as the fairy tales go, one who is delicate as a rose ~ or ~ one who is strong willed, independant, and in no need of support? What is the "standard" day dream for men? Its funny (not literally) how everyone knows the little girls fairytale of the Prince Charming, or the Knight in Shining Armor, however, hardly any know of the standard fairytale romance for a man.. So, enlighten me! What is it?

For many years now, whenever there is a crisis in the family, or when life gets too hard to handle, I tend to travel in my dreams. I go back to my Grandparents house. I'm beginning to think it's because it was a safe place as a child for me. I hold so many fond, loving memories from that home. As odd as it sounds, I even miss it! 

In my dreams, I've been brought there. I sat at the kitchen table, as if we were having a family meeting, except the relatives that brought me there - are all deceased. Strange? Perhaps. To me, when I see them, when they share things with me, it brings me peace. They generally are telling me something, warning me of impending things ~ hurt, pain, or death ~ in the family. Seems its always family members, when I am taken there. I wish I knew a way to improve upon, or further clarify these dreams, and the meanings of them

Last night, I dreamt I was at the house again. In this dream, my Mother and I were travelling down the road in a car. I have no idea who the others were with us. I felt their presence, yet never seen them. I get that a lot in dreams. I always have someone just behind me that's always there, and makes me feel safe & protected. I have yet to figure out who it is though. Anyway, we travelled down the road to the Cemetary, which was about a mile from my Grandparents house. On the way there, I noticed how much things have changed since I was last there. I was amazed, and yet sad, because it grew up (as in populated more) and many of the trees were gone. I felt so sad. Then, I looked out the window, and in my dream, time kinda slowed down, that surreal, slow motion & I seen a lady who was jogging down the road. It was so strange, because we locked eye-to-eye and then she disappeared. We went around the corner, just before the cemetary, and I looked out to see that the house we'd once lived in was gone. Like it never existed, nothing left to even know it was there. In it's place, was a new modern home with many windows in the front, it was a one story home, but quite long. Then I seen her again, that woman was sitting just inside one of the windows, and looking out. We locked eyes again.

Then, suddenly I was in the cemetary with my Mom. We were trying to find my Uncle Ron's gravestone. We walked over, and seen my Grandparents Stone. I reached out and brushed the top off, and ran the palm of my hand over it softly.. My way of saying hello. Then, my Mom called me over to the other end of the Cemetary, she was searching almost panic-stricken, that she could not find my Uncle Ron. It was so weird. Then, she started talking about how white it was, "he said it was extremely white, the whitest he's ever seen, like it glows"  We were leaned down, looking at this old, dead brush. About the height of a border bush. She started brushing it back, searching. I know its here. I just know it is. This is the exact place he said. And then I started helping her.

And that's all I can remember of the dream. So weird. Maybe it means something ~ maybe it doesn't. I know that I stayed in bed a bit longer, just thinking, kinda haunted, actually, by that dream. It was so real, I felt like for a split second, when I woke up, that I was actually back in the house again. I've had so many dreams this week, its driving me fruity lol. I know that there is "something" going on in my family. What? I don't know. Is it big? Yes. Will it affect all of us? Yes. I only wish I could figure out the clues. Scares me though, that my Mother has been in 90% of them. I'd truly be lost without her, she is such a "rock" for me over the last few years. We've grown so close.

So, do you dream? In color? In the past, or the present? Do you ever have visits from the deceased? 

 Its a lonely night

thoughts drifting

through my mind

like a leaf drifting on the wind

loneliness is tough

toughest feeling

to overcome

why

do we need

affection, attention

lovemaking, caressing

why

when we lack it

do we become lost

feel abandoned, alone,

begin to doubt our

reflection in the mirror

begin to find and enlarge

our faults when we look

wondering

why aren't I

*perfect* enough

I wish to change

to adjust

to become

someone else

someone more

someone desired

someone lusted after

even if just for a moment

just to forget

the pain

the lonliness

the darkness

that gnaws at

my mind, my soul

like honey bees

to delicious nectar

I am drawn

to the taste

of passions bliss..yet

I'm destined

to look

yet never touch

to fantasize

yet never feel

to hunger

yet never feed

I've made thirst my door

always going for more

of what I can never have

wishing, dreaming for

what I can never have

and so it goes

to the depths of infinity

alone

lonely

always..me

 ~ 1.2.2012 ~

I feel so disconnected. Like I have been unplugged from living. All my insecurities have floated to the top again. I feel unattractive. I feel unworthy of love. I feel alone. I feel fat. I feel like everyone lies. I feel people only compliment to make me feel better, that they really don't mean it. They say it because it's the right thing to do, to be nice. I don't trust. I feel like no one ever really sees me. I feel like I am invisible. That no one really cares, pays attention, or sees me. I keep walls up. I protect and guard to the point where I don't even know myself. I ache for some contact, true, real contact. So much so, I could just cry. Its like torture. I want to feel alive. I want to feel like someone gives a shit. I want true friends, not face-value ones. I want to feel attractive, not necessarily in the sexual way, I just want to feel pretty for once. I feel like I'm the one looked over, looked past, and not seen. For once, I want to be seen. I want to feel something. I want to feel ..

I reach but there's never anyone there. No hand. No shoulder. Nothing.

I want to be held. To feel that warm, safe feeling of being protected and loved.
 
 *knock* *knock* I'm real. I'm here. I feel. I hurt. I hope. I desire. I'm drifting. Alone in the middle of a vast ocean with depths unknown.. Behind me the horizon where the moon shimmers its light across the waves. In front of me, fog and darkness. It swallows me. It consumes me. I cannot see. I cannot find my way out. I must feel. I am slowly dying inside and no one sees it, except for me, when I see it reflected in the mirror each day.. drifting..

Entering the room I hear music playing
The room lit by candlelight
I love the soft sensual glow they give
You take my hand, so softly
"lets dance"

Your body next to mine
I want to just melt into you
I love being this close
I lean into your chest
feeling the touch - skin to skin
just drives me wild
the scent of your cologne
draws me into you
beckoning me
your hands slide
gently down my sides
I am so into you
I run my fingers
through the back of your hair
our bodies touching skin to skin
moving as though we are one
the feeling I can't describe
I feel so in-tune with you
The feel of your warm hands
holding so gently my hips as they sway
the feel of your gorgeous body
pressed firmly into mine
I feel so wanted
so desired
I begin to kiss your neck
shaking a little, like a shy school girl
my thoughts, my emotions
are so hard to control when I'm with you
Our lips meet ever so softly
and we kiss
In this moment, it is only you and I
and our bodies as they move as one..

Yet another writing of mine

 

when all you've done is hurt -
when all people have done is leave -
when all the world seems to just pass you by -
when all you want is to feel alive -
when all they did was lie to make you believe -
then laugh as they watched you leave -
when life seems to bitter to choke down -
when you laugh and smile, when all you want to do is cry -
when you feel worthless and ugly -
when you feel insignificant and unnoticed -
when you look around in silence -
you scream into the night -
whence comes my peace

 Is that a word? *grin* I am probably the most random lady you'll ever meet. I'm stretched from one end of the spectrum to the other. I'm individual, I'm unique. No matter what, I'm me. I can't help it, I can't pretend to be what I am not. Been there - done that - tried that - epic fail *grin*

Many are surprised at my many layers (qualities) and my multi-interesting personality. I've made life a quest of learning, exploration, and above all else, fun! Much like the stereotypical 'nerd' I love to read, I love to learn. Especially when it comes to philosophical things, spirituality and religion. The more I learn, the more questions I have, and the more I dig deeper.. the more it amazes and astounds me!

Just like the trunk of a tree, if you were to view my many rings, you'd be able to map and know my story. The deepest ones quite apparent, and astounding.. As I say often "there's always a method (a reason) to my madness".

I am particular on whom I befriend, whom I trust, whom I allow a peek into my depths.. I allow you to 'nest' on my branches, but do not allow you within. A very select few are allowed to peck away and gain a glimpse, and live in my depths (heart & soul). I feel vulnerable, I feel exposed when that happens. To do so I am giving out trust, I am allowing my truth, my very essence of self to be seen and opened up to infections by drama, storms, lightening, and hostel takeovers.. Constantly on guard, I keep a watchful eye on my nesters.. wondering, waiting, for them to harm me or mine.

A pessimistic view? Perhaps. Caused by the erosion of that childlike wonderment of people, places, the open love and sharing we all had as young humans.. It took a storm with hail and high winds to caution me.. I chose to remain innocent.. The hurricane came, it nearly drowned me, I didn't give in. It took a thief to finally break me, stealing my youth, my innocence, my trust and my faith in something 'more'.. I remained callused and hard for many years, building layers, trying to hide the memory, the scars from that 'storm'.. Till I slowly began to see and realize that although that storm was intense and changed me, scarred me forever, it was still part of me. It had left its mark- no matter what, I cannot erase those marks {memories} or cover them with pretty bows.

I realized I had to really turn around and take a good hard look at my scars. I had to stand in the midst of that storm - steady my trembling self, and look into the eyes of that storm. To say I am strong, I am powerful, worthy of love and strong enough to be able to forgive. To forgive the storm, because that storm just like me was a result of uncontrollable events and pains. I was able to look beyond those black clouds of despair and misunderstanding and see that beneath it all was a silent, hurting soul. Just like me. 

Once I was able to not only see my scars, but know them, I was able to see my beauty. Once I seen my beauty, I began to see the beauty in others, in life, death & rebirth. How one must not necessarily die to have a rebirth. There are many types of death, just like with nature, out of the death of a rose, comes another bloom and another beautful rose - a cycle of gorgeous, natural death & rebirth year after year.

I learned, I see, I know, that everything from the very air we breathe, to the thoughts we think - are all connected by an "invisible spider web".. Weaved over generations, weaved across land, sky and sea.. Knowing that what affects one - affects the all.

Yet I feel so alone. Like a tree that stands by itself in a wide open field. Delicately dancing in the winds of the seasons. Hoping to one day not stand alone, to feel the gentle brush of a familiar hand, the tender touch of love and the brilliant sensations, of true connectiveness. Giving hope, raising higher, and being noticed as the one that never gave in, or gave up. Just stood her ground.

~randomness rambles from rhonda~ congrats if you actually understood my depths

Yes, I took a long, long break here at xanga. Seems suddenly I was 'empty' didn't know what to write, what to say.. Kinda lost myself for a while. I'm thinking I really, really need to get back on track

So much has been going on, a lot of changes in my life. A lot of changes in others' lives around me, ones I care deeply about & ones I love.

I came back to see if the "ole xanga gang" was still alive & kickin'  around here! Everyone still here? How are you - how've you been? Any changes?

{{{{{group hugs}}}}}}

Did ya miss me even a little? *grin*

softly caress my cheek in the palm of your hand.. press your lips to mine, linger just for a moment then kiss me fully, deeply. I crave the taste of your kiss-meet me eye to eye, tell me its going to be alright, embrace me -love me deep & fully, quench my burning desire

naked we lie together, entranced in a state of bliss. my head on your chest, lulled by the beating of your heart, your hand on the small of my back- my leg crossed over yours- you breathe in deeply and kiss my forehead while stroking my long hair- in these moments no words are needed. I feel you, I breathe you, I feel connected and safe -you are my gentle strength--what sweet dreams bring to me-one day we will meet

'snipplets' from my thoughts...